The end of the story

Jenn’s husband, Dave, here. She wanted me to update her readers on what had happened when she was no longer with us, which sadly, has now happened.

Last Thursday the hospice nurse came to our house and decided that Jenn should be admitted to the hospice facility. Within a couple hours she was leaving the home that she loved so much in an ambulance. At the time we thought there was a possibility that it would just be a temporary stay. By Friday afternoon, though, the nurse told me that I should call our daughter, who was on a school trip at Disney World, that she should come home as soon as possible if she wanted to be able to speak to her again. Over the next day she went from bad to worse, slowly losing what little she had left. It became harder and harder to talk to her. My last real conversation with her was on Saturday afternoon. It was what had become by then a rare moment of lucidity.

As the nurses continued to attend to her the extent of her disease became clear. She had tumors in her colon that caused a variety of problems which I will leave to your imagination. The ascites fluid which I had been helping her drain since November and had been yellow, started showing blood. She had to lie with her legs up because of pain, and when she no longer had the strength to keep them up they fell to her sides so that she lay bow-legged. The nurses believe this was because of tumors in her groin. In short, the tumors had completely taken over her lower digestive tract. I’m telling you this because she was very candid with you about what she was going through and she believed that if she could raise awareness of how horrid metastatic breast cancer is then perhaps her sacrifice would have meant something.

Throughout this ordeal my only concern was executing her wishes: to be in as little pain as possible and to sleep through the worst parts. The nurses assured me that her pain was at manageable levels throughout. On the last day I was told she had been administered over 100 mg of morphine total. I spent each of the five nights she was there with her and generally made myself a pest to the staff.

Yesterday afternoon I was holding her hand and talking to her while I looked her in the eye. I think she heard me – her movements and groans hint that she did. My daughter was there, and so was one of her close friends. I told her that F and I were going to go to dinner and be back shortly. As we were finishing dinner, not one hour later, her friend texted me that I need to come back right now. The hospice nurse called me while my daughter and I were walking to our car to tell us she had passed. The nurse, her friend, and my daughter believe that she did it deliberately while I was gone either to spare me seeing it, or because she felt I wouldn’t let her go.

I know you all must feel something like the pain my family and I feel now. She had a way of touching people she hadn’t even met. She’s left us an extraordinary gift by recording her life in this blog. For however long I have left, whenever I feel like I’m missing her, I’ll have this to read and remind me of who she was.

My health continues to deteriorate.

We’re at the point now where my pain, nausea and various side effects couldn’t be managed at home anymore, so I’ve been transferred to the hospice house. Its been a mixed bag so far, but I do like being able to get my meds via my port. Well the important ones anyway. Hopefully things will improve as we figure out the new schedule. What I’m really, really hoping for is a good, solid might of rest. I have never been this exhausted.

I had some pics to upload but the wifi here sucks balls.

Freya ♥️

Freya leaves for a school trip tomorrow afternoon, and will be gone until next Tuesday. We’re all concerned I’m going to die before she gets back. She came down to my bedroom and I held her while we talked, cried, and discussed our feelings. I’m going to keep our words private, but the unconditional love between us is so pure and beautiful. It takes my breath away. There’s more I want to say, but I’m too overwhelmed right now.

I didn’t use the “step mom” tag on this post because it’s not able to convey the depths of my love and devotion for her. She’s always felt like my own, and I’m thankful that her mother has always been willing to accept, and even nurture, our relationship. I know that’s not easy

My heart is shattered.

3:35 am jams

Tonight’s random song stuck in my brain is “Ain’t Nobody Here But Us Chickens.”

It takes a lot of sitting getting chicks to hatch!

Despite all my rage, I’m still just a rat in a cage.

Today got fucking weird and intense. My mom slept until like 3 because she apparently ate a fuckton of edibles the night before. She desperately wants to stay indefinitely, but I told her we cannot deal with that stress right now. So now maybe she’s renting a room? Idk. All I know is I feel guilty and that when I shouldn’t have to worry about any of it.

My body continues to deteriorate. It’s scary. I see the nurse tomorrow. I’m trying to decide if I want to transfer my care to the hospice house so that I can just relax.

Oh my friends brought me by a sweet new (to me) eagle cane they found at a flea market. I’m calling him Clyde.

My Mom & Sister

We had a five hour visit this afternoon/evening. It totally drained me, but it was definitely worth it. The vibe was much different than I anticipated. The conversation flowed. My mom brought a box of old pics that we reminisced over. We helped each other remember various things. We confessed things, and discussed others that were long overdue. There were def tears, but it felt good to be in their presence, just like how I always wanted it to be: honest and loving. We laughed even more than we cried.

Krystal was a mess as she was leaving, and she’s hopeful there will be time to see each other again, but is prepared for there not to be. I’m at peace with what I was able to say in parting, and I hope she takes it to heart. Despite us never having that traditional sisterly bond, I love her very, very much.

My mom is still here, since she’s staying the night, so I imagine things will get a bit more intense between us in the morning. I’ve called it a night though because I’m exhausted and I definitely need some rest.

I told them that they’re all that’s left of this family (considering Samantha is lost to heroin), and they need to try to put the bullshit behind them and start fresh. I hope my death can bring them closer at the very least. Tonight made it obvious that there is still lots of love here, and that doesn’t just go away.

I love you both. The good and the ugly. The ugly made us who we are, and there’s no time to live in regret. Never forget.

Wordle Stats

I still play, and 420 games seemed like a good number to celebrate.

I guess I’m never going to beat that damn max streak. A little over a month ago it was 85, which had been my personal best for almost the entire time. I was so excited to get to 86, and I was like “fuck yes I’m getting this baby to 100” and then lost the very next round. Boo hiss! Lol. Still – it brings me joy to play, though it’s getting more difficult under the drug fueled haze. I make a lot of silly mistakes nowadays.