I can hear people’s smoke alarms chirping fairly frequently during phone hearings, and I always shudder. That sound is so damn cringey.
Yesterday, was awful. Bad enough that I came close to caving and going to the ER. If I would have had a fever, that would have been the final straw. I woke up this morning feeling much, much better. Just in time for the weekend! And court. I have like six cases on this morning, so thank goodness I’m feeling up to dealing with all of it.
It would probably make sense to give up all the lawyering at this point, even this part-time gig, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. Lawyering is still such a big part of who I am. I cannot give it up completely.
Old news, I know. That’s all I really having going on nowadays: old news.
D went out with our friends last night, and lest you think poorly of him for it: I insisted he do so. He was alone and sad. I was not good company. Caregivers need breaks too! I’m so glad he actually did it, because he came back in a much better place. He needs to take better care of himself – his emotional needs are important. This is a long haul situation, and he needs all the support he can get. Thank you to A&R for taking care of my man. Love you all so much.
I am bummed that I missed our night out though. We had it planned for well over a week, and it was supposed to be my first step back into socializing again. Boo. Instead, I lied in bed, watching a very strange movie (Things Heard & Seen), and wishing I could pass out because UGH. Vomiting is the fucking worst.
Weekend plans? Well tonight will be our normal steak night. Freya has competitions all weekend, so it will be me, D, and the kiddo. I think we are planning on going to see the mummy exhibit tomorrow afternoon. I’m looking forward to that.
I feel like there is more I wanted to share, but it escapes me now. More later! It’s showtime!!! (Court!)
Woke up around 3 am really sick and in a lot of pain. Vomiting. Feeling like someone was stabbing me in the eye and stomach. It’s now 12 hours later, and I’m still in bed, making small improvements. D is alarmed. I can tell he wants me to go to the ER, but I am not about that life.
It’s weird how quickly everything changes.
It’s crushing. It comes like a tidal wave, and I’m completely powerless. I just crumble under the weight.
It makes me feel pathetic – like a baby. The Ritalin doesn’t help as much as I’d hoped it would.
I’m better in the mornings nowadays. It feels weird to say/type that. It has never been the case before. Unfortunately, I seem to hit a wall of fatigue around 8 pm, and I am gone after that. Really though, I start losing steam (and patience) around 4 pm. This cancer life – it’s a big adjustment.
We are meeting with the estate planning attorney this afternoon, and so I am trying to get our documents together. It will be a somber event for sure, and D is already having little crying fits here and there. I know it will be a difficult day, and so we will go out after our meeting for a happy hour. Beer always helps!
I talked to ortho yesterday. I can’t get in until March. Did I mention that already? I find this humorous for some reason. The pain is managed so that isn’t a big deal really. It isn’t life threatening.
I’ve started making plans again. Gotta get out of this funk somehow. Lunch plans. A date to go to an Alice in Wonderland pop-up bar next month (and to wear costumes!!). D and I are discussing a trip to Vegas for our anniversary. The bestie and I are planning a weekend away. Sounds like October will be a fairly busy month. I’m excited about it. It feels good to have something to look forward to. I have to force myself to get out of my own head and back into real life.
I finally resigned from the HOA. I sent the email yesterday, and everyone is being cool about it, of course. I mean – what else can they do? They are offering me gift cards for food though, which is nice, but completely unnecessary. I know they mean well. That sort of stuff makes me uncomfortable, and so I shall ignore it. haha
I took three different laxatives yesterday (LOL) and things are moving along now. Woot!
The attorney wants paper copies and my printer is being a piece of shit per usual. UGH.
The weather is gorgeous. I think I may go take a walk now.
to feel so old.
- I can’t get in to see the ortho until March. Not surprised at all. I laughed when she told me.
- D is sad today. Poor guy. This life is hard. So fucking hard. You have no idea.
- Today feels like autumn and I am here for it. It’s glorious and has revived my spirit a bit.
- I’m hoping to feel up to a walk tonight.
- Laxatives are my new besties.
- Speaking of besties – i really need to make plans to see mine. I miss (certain) friends.
- On the other hand, I’m fine with just fading into the background of certain people’s lives. It’s already happening. It’s easier that way.
- I feel so stressed by the tiniest things nowadays. Like paying my bills. Or calling about my disability case. The idea of taking that on feels completely overwhelming for some reason.
- I got a hateful email from an old client this morning. As I read it, I was struck by how little I care. There was a time when it would have ruined my entire day. Now? Big meh. Oh are you unhappy??? Lol. Lol. Lol.
- I look pretty fucking dreadful today. I guess I’ll try to look cute tomorrow afternoon when we visit the estate planning attorney. It’s def time to get all of that shit wrapped up.
- I just say things here now because I’m alone and I don’t know what else to do.
I found out that my SIL has breast cancer. I don’t know many details. We aren’t close. I want to be a support for her, obviously, but I also don’t know that I’m actually the best person to be there for her. Yes, I understand the challenges she’s currently facing, but I’m over here on an entirely different journey now. So I’m struggling with how to help or if she even wants to interact with me. After all, I’m a reminder of how badly this can end, ykwim?
We MBC ladies don’t typically interact with early stagers much. We have our own support groups, our own issues to face. This isn’t just a chapter in the book of our lives; it becomes the entire end of the novel, and we hope for as many chapters as possible. We’re not going to ring the bell at the end of treatment. It’s just not the same, and I’m struggling with my feelings around this, because I’ve done both. I rang the bell. I thought I was finished with this, and yet here I am. How can I offer support or inspiration to anyone at this point?