- I lost the first toe nail yesterday. I’m sure there will be more casualties. Yay chemo. The good news is that it didn’t hurt.
- We watched both of the Independence Day movies today. I love that shit. I had never seen the second one, so that was a fun surprise.
- Remember when I used to be cool? *lol sob*
- The bestie and I are doing another hotel night for my birthday. I picked The Cheshire, which is this cutesy British inspired hotel in Clayton. I’m excited about it. Hopefully I’ll be feeling okay.
- Tomorrow morning, I’m finally signing all of my estate docs.
- Tomorrow afternoon/evening, we are going to an arena concert: Joan Jett, Motley Crew, Poison, and Def Leppard. I bought these tickets several months ago while I was high. I don’t really even like these bands, but I think it’s going to be fun regardless.
- Today, on the metro link, some dude pulled out his dick and masturbated while staring at Freya. If I had been there, I absolutely would have chosen violence. Thankfully, she is safe, but she’s shaken up. She asked me to double check all the door locks. I want to hurt that man.
- I hate people.
- I had more to say than I thought.
As long as women don’t have the right to choose, I will not be celebrating this country, and I’m low key judging anyone who does.
My neighborhood is very into the 4th, so it’s a lot of boom boom boom around here. Poor Bismarck. Also – just went outside and everything is covered in firework debris. Ugh.
This is D’s favorite holiday, but luckily he’s into being chill this year. So we will watch movies later and be slugs. I’m into it. I wanted to go to the Roe protest downtown, but I’m not feeling well enough today. I’m feeling nauseated and weak. I need to let the healthy women fight the good fight. I’m there in spirit. Freya is going, and I can’t wait to hear about her experience.
I got all my wigs out and ready to wear. I haven’t left the house much since my haircut, so I haven’t felt the need. We have a concert tomorrow night, but it’s outside, so I’m just gonna rock the buzz cut. Fuck it.
I was scrolling Insta, and saw some chick with really cute hair. I thought, with envy: I wish I could have hair like that. And then realized, with a smile: I can, because wigs. I’m going to be so cute. Just wait. Bald, but make it fashion, right?
Every time I look in the mirror I see a cancer patient staring back at me.
The year is flying by, and it scares me.
A lot of things scare me nowadays.
Jackson’s favorite YouTuber died from stage 4 cancer, and he’s pretty down about it. I held him this morning while he cried, and he told me it brings up a lot of feelings about my situation, which of course it does. I hate seeing him in pain, but I also know this isn’t something I can fix for him. He has to feel the feelings and work through them. I just hate knowing I can’t fix this for him. I feel…ugh it’s so much. I feel SO MUCH.
It’s Cycle 2, Day 2, and I’m fatigued and slightly nauseated. It’s manageable, and I hope it doesn’t get any worse. I can work with this.
Tomorrow is head shaving day, and I haven’t let myself think about it too much. It’s just something that has to happen. And I know, from experience, that it’s better to do it before the hair actually starts to come out. There will be less pain and less mess this way. Plus, the fam will be with me, in a situation that I control.
A cancer friend of mine is currently in the hospital with pneumonia and the flu. Sues getting her lungs drained today. She’s on an experimental chemo right now, and I’m worried. Her health has declined quite rapidly. I know what this means. She has two young kids. It’s absolutely heartbreaking.
I can’t do this anymore. Not right now.
So I’ll leave you with this question: why is McDonald’s Diet Coke the best Diet Coke?? What do they put in this?
I hope this round isn’t too brutal.
I came home after chemo and took a huge hit off my vape. So now I’m high af, and it’s a glorious high where everything is fun and happy.
I deserve this.