Radioactive

PET scan is done. Now the waiting begins continues.

My tech today is really good friends with my high school bestie. Stl is like a small town, I swear.

Next up: colonoscopy prep. Are you envious?? Lol.

Actually…next up is a fucking nap, and then I’m heading to the Jeffco office this afternoon.

Send me good nap vibes please. I’m exhausted to the point where D seems a bit concerned. I know I’m (unintentionally) behaving strangely.

Red, Red, Red ❤️

I don’t understand about
The weather outside
Or the harmony in a tune
Or why somebody lied
But there’s solace a bit in submitting
To the fitfully, cryptically true
What’s happened, has happened
What’s coming is already on its way
With a role for me to play
And I don’t understand
I never understand
But I’m trying to understand
There’s nothing else I can do

-Fiona Apple

i’d cut a motherfucker…

This just happened in my last consultation:

Me: What is your marital status?

Him: Single.

Me (because I have learned the hard way): Have you ever been married?

Him: *long pause*

Him: I’m married.

Me: Are you separated or something?

Him: No. I’m just used to saying I’m single. *raises eyebrow at me and winks*
I guess you can put down whatever you think is best.

Me: Well, I’m going to put down that you are married, because you are legally married, and that means something whether you think it does or not.

**What’s even worse is that they just had a baby together one fucking month ago.

let’s try something different

What if I wrote an entire post without mentioning anything sad?

  • We have a tree in our front yard now. The city planted it as part of some local ordinance that states every yard must have a tree in a certain spot. So yeah – D and I are weirdly excited about this. I’m excited to see what it looks like come spring.
  • Spring is not that far off at all. How awesome is that??
  • I have like 1000 things I want to do this summer. There are so many concerts – like an overwhelming amount.
  • Annie and I are going to see Cats in April. I wasn’t going to, but then I was like…fuck it. YOLO, bitch. I want to see it. So we shall.
  • Same goes for Hamilton. Working on tickets for that currently.
  • This weekend, I’m taking the kids to go get passport photos. They do not know it yet, but we are planning a trip to England this summer.
  • D and I are planning a separate trip too. We’re thinking Grand Cayman, but nothing is for sure yet. So I need to get my passport updated.
  • Oooh my pizza just got here. lol bye. Gotta eat while I still can. I’m eating whatever I want today since it will be offset by like 36 hours of no food. *cries*

the daily depressing af post

I’ve started and deleted several posts today. Everything comes across very dark, and I’m not trying to indulge that mindset. Sigh.

Today is a long fucking day, and I am displeased. I am also not feeling super well. Whether that’s because of an actual illness, the overwhelming stress and anxiety I’m experiencing, or cancer ravaging my body – I can’t say for sure. Maybe all of the above?

See…dark.

Anyhoo – I feel very scatterbrained recently, but especially today. I had a hard time sleeping last night, which led to me oversleeping. So I was running late for court this morning, and I got ready in like 10 minutes. And let me be the first to tell you that I look like I got ready in 10 minutes (while still half asleep and completely out of fucks). lol.  I was half-way to Clayton by the time I realized that I had taken my husband’s car key with me by accident. So now he is stuck working from home, which I feel bad about. Ugh. Hello, hot mess express party of one!

Tomorrow morning is my PET scan. My instructions are to not eat 6 hours prior and to eat low carb today. Oh and to not wear anything with metal or zippers. It sounds like they will inject me with the radioactive shit around 7 am, and then I wait around for an hour for it to go where it needs to go. Then we will scan. So hopefully we won’t be stuck at the hospital for too terribly long this time around.

Tomorrow morning is also when I have to start my fasting for Friday’s procedures: upper endoscopy and colonoscopy. Those procedures are scheduled for Friday afternoon, so it’s going to be really fucking brutal. Not looking forward to any of it, but it will be good to get some answers – though I’ll be waiting on those for a while too. God – the waiting is the hardest part.

I keep having little mini meltdowns, but they are becoming less sad and more rage intensive. I am so fucking angry. That feels like the understatement of the fucking year, actually. Words cannot adequately convey the rage I feel inside – it’s almost like I can feel it just under the skin.

I’m very much looking forward to the weekend. I’m excited to have a weekend with the entire family at home. I have some stuff I want to do with the kids. I will not be working – regardless of how much I may need to. This job is not getting a second more of my life than is absolutely necessary at this point. I am not giving up time with my family to work. If my clients don’t like that, they can eat a bag of dicks and go find themselves a new lawyer.

I told D last night that even if we get the really bad news, I don’t want to feel like I’m dead before my life is actually over. I want us to live as normal as possible for as long as possible. I want to go out with friends, throw parties, go to shows, walk the dog, etc. All the normal shit. We have to fight the overwhelming temptation to just shut the fuck down. It’s hard functioning like this, but I just try to find the good in each day.

It reminds me of that DMB lyric from Pig, “There’s bad times, but that’s okay; just look for love in it.”

If nothing else, I feel so very, very, extremely, without a doubt, can feel it in my fucking bones, loved.

that’s so jenn

We went out to dinner with Nick and Nancy tonight, and Nick gave me this funny little gift he had made:

So now it’s hanging in the guest bathroom. 💙

It made me smile.

It was good to get out for a while. I’m on the struggle bus today. Hopefully I’ll get some sleep, and wake up feeling more myself. Tomorrow (well technically today now as it’s 12:09 am) is going to be a long ass day. Up before the sun. At court bright and early, appointments all day, and then motherfucking night court. But that’s okay – busy is good. And I get to come home to my love so I’m looking forward to that.

Now I’m just babbling while I wait on this pill to kick in.

I’m hoping I’ll have something more to share tomorrow. I just haven’t been in the mood to be chatty.

it’s all about perspective

I’m suddenly sort of grateful for my completely overwhelming job, because it takes a lot of my attention, and keeps me from going too far down the rabbit hole during the day. The nights…well the nights are another story altogether.

I have found some comfort in the BreastCancer.org message boards. A lot of ladies live 5+ years after being diagnosed with mets.

I know I haven’t been diagnosed yet, but I do not have a good feeling about it. It’s like I told D last night: I’d rather get into a head space where I’m prepared to hear the news, and end up pleasantly surprised, than go in with hope. Hope is a fucking killer. I cannot do hope.

Hi.

I’ve been keeping myself busy so I don’t have time to dwell.

Working.

Exercising.

Chatting.

Listening to podcasts.

Stuff like that.

Then I drug myself at night. Nights are hard.

Life is a rollercoaster right now.

My back and shoulders ache because of all the tension. The exercising is helping a bit though.

It was good to have the kids home tonight.

And the house feels good: we cleaned this weekend; like I said…keeping busy.

Gonna keep on keeping on.

More tomorrow.

PS: I have the best husband in the entire world. ❤️