I’m going to start being a bit more personal on this blog.  I have been using Tumblr as a place for “fun” stuff mostly.  My Livejournal is where I keep things real.  However, I have been reading a lot of cancer blogs over the past couple of days, and they have helped me tremendously.  If my journey can help someone else, then I’m certainly willing to put it all out there.  With that in mind, I am going to copy and paste a post from my LJ below, so my apologies to those of you whom have already seen this. I just don’t feel up to writing an entire new post right now.

The radiologist called me yesterday to discuss my results. It seems that there are either three tumors or one large and irregular one in the left breast.  The right breast looks fine.  She called it invasive lobular carcinoma. The typical treatment for such a condition for someone my age, with so little breast tissue (doctor speak for small boobs. ha ha), is double mastectomy. The reason behind taking the right breast as well is that there is a serious chance of it happening again in that breast.

She also said that one of my lymph nodes was swollen, which could indicate that the cancer has spread, but they won’t know for sure until after surgery.  During the surgery, they will remove about five lymph nodes and biopsy them for cancer.  I suspect that I will likely need chemotherapy after the surgery.  I should know a lot more after I talk to the surgeon on Tuesday.  I hope we can schedule it soon. I want this shit out of me asap.  And if I need chemo, I want to get it over with.  I want this all to be over.

I feel strangely calm. I talked to her a bit about reconstruction.  She said that it is very possible to do the reconstruction surgery at the same time as the mastectomy surgery. It likely won’t be completed at that time, but the process can be started.  They will likely need to insert tissue expanders prior to placing the implants.  I know it probably seems silly to be worried about something like that right now, but I am. I want my life to go back to normal asap.  I don’t want to wait a year to have reconstruction.  I want to get this shit out of me, get some new breasts, lose my hair, start growing it back, etc.  Anyone who knows me well knows that I am not a patient person.  Not even close. I joked with my friend Danielle yesterday that I was tempted to go into the bathroom and cut it out myself.  The look of horror on her face made it worth saying. Ha ha. (I promise I’m not that crazy).

I have had an amazing number of people reach out to me, including people I don’t even know.  Friends of friends who have had breast cancer.  My friends are so great.  There aren’t even words to express how great.  My family is stepping up.  My primary care doctor, Jenny, who is Scott’s ex-wife, has been so awesome.  She’s the reason I know as much as I do.  She spent a big part of her day yesterday on the phone with these people telling them they couldn’t leave until we had answers.  She prescribed Xanax to help keep me calm, and that has helped a lot too.  I actually got some sleep last night.

I’m trying to be as normal as possible, which is obviously hard under the circumstances.  I have Jackson this weekend, which is great.  We have been watching movies, coloring, etc.  He slept with me last night, which was nice.  I don’t see that changing anytime soon.  I want to be around him as much as possible, just in case this goes horribly bad and I don’t end up making it.

I went back to the gym this morning, which was the first time since the biopsy.  It still hurts a bit, but I was able to go 2 miles. I was aiming for three, and I think I would have easily made it, but Jackson had a potty emergency. 🙁  Oh the joys of motherhood. Ha ha. I hope I’ll be around to deal with many more such incidents.   Anyway, I refuse to give up on the things I enjoy doing.  I’m going to run up until the surgery, and then I will start running again afterward.  I have been reading a lot of cancer blogs, and getting a good idea of what to expect from chemo.  It affects everyone differently, of course, but a lot of people are still able to get in exercise.  I hope to be one of those people.

Grant and his mom are being great.  They gave me a Nook so that I can do lots of reading when I’m recovering from surgery, and maybe during chemo treatments.  My understanding is that chemo treatments take about four hours, and you have them about once every two weeks, though it obviously depends on how aggressive your treatments are.  I’m trying to look for the silver lining in all of this.  I’m way bummed about the idea of losing my hair, but I have found some really nice human hair wigs.  I figure I will splurge and buy a few, since I’ll be wearing them for a while.  I want a Zooey Deschanel type wig, and probably a red one too. 🙂

I’m trying guys.  I’m really trying.  I don’t want to be a total mess through all of this.  I know breakdowns will happen, but I refuse to spend the next several months crying all the time.  Fuck that.