I’ve noticed I’ve been censoring myself a bit lately. It’s because I have no idea who reads this blog. I mostly don’t care, as I’m a bit of an open book. Always have been. I guess I just worry about potentially hurting someone’s feelings. That said, I’ve got something I feel like writing about, and I’m just going to go for it. Blogging is a big form of stress relief for me, and I’m not giving that up for anyone.
Since my brother’s death, I’ve been trying to get some of my family relationships back on track. I have posted about that here. Unfortunately, I am struggling. The root of the struggle is that I moved on from all of this family drama a long time ago. My childhood fucking sucked for a variety of reasons: alcoholic & drug addicted parents, abuse, neglect, constant lies, no money, stealing, broken promises…the list goes on and on. I always felt like a complete outcast because when I made it clear I wanted more from life than that, I was faced with scorn and ridicule. When it was time to go to college, I escaped, and I didn’t look back.
It’s weird to feel like the black sheep of the family because you aren’t a loser, but that’s exactly how I have always felt. It was really hard for me to overcome all of that shit, but I did. Many years of therapy saw to that. I went out into the world and made a nice life for myself. I created my own family. I moved on. I got over it. It was incredibly freeing to let go of all that anger and toxicity, and I’m never going back to that.
So it’s difficult now to get into this “we are one big happy family” thing. No matter how hard I try, I’m just not feeling it. I’m not holding a grudge. I don’t hate anybody. I just don’t feel like pretending we have anything in common besides some bloodlines and a very fucked up history.
I feel like even more of a dick because this doesn’t apply to every family member. Just a few. For example, I adore one of my sisters, but cannot tolerate the other. But am I really a dick because I don’t want to waste my time on a heroin addict who just wants to use me for money? Am I really a bad person because I don’t want my kid around ex-convicts, thieves, alcoholics, and drug addicts?
Fuck no. No. No. No. No. No.
Just because I love you, doesn’t mean I like you, and just because we are family doesn’t mean I have to deal with you. If you aren’t willing to change for me, why should I change for you?