this is the last stop

Waking up to family drama via Facebook is not my ideal way to start a Sunday morning, but such is life. 

I haven’t posted much about all of this, mostly because I haven’t wanted to deal with it. (I think I did post about it once, but then I made the post private.) Anyway, my mom is really sick. It sounds like maybe it’s life threatening. I don’t really know for sure. I don’t have all the details. That may sound odd: like how do you not know if your mom is dying? Well…it’s really not that odd considering my family history. My remaining family is as follows: my mom and two younger sisters. None of us really talk to each other. The past is like a dark cloud that is always hanging over us and none of us know how to get out from under it. We try. Sometimes we succeed for a short while, but it always comes back. It feels a lot like being trapped. My defense mechanism is to just ignore it and hope that it will go away. It never stays away for very long.

So my mom is sick. One of my sisters is a heroin addict. My other sister is just sick of everyone’s shit and has pretty much isolated herself. She’s also very, very angry. We are all estranged due to a history of violence, abuse, and neglect. It’s no one person’s fault. Contrary to popular belief, I don’t blame my mom for it. I certainly used to, but I’m older now and I get how this shit happens. That said, we all are who we are, for better or for worse, and it has been my life’s goal to escape that history. To make a better life for myself. To ensure my child has a happy childhood. In an attempt to do so, I have left behind people whom I felt were toxic. Therefore, these relationships have fallen to the wayside.

I have a reputation within my family for being cold and/or unfeeling. Oh Jennifer doesn’t care about us. She thinks she’s better than us. Blah, blah, blah whatever. In reality, Jennifer is sad. Jennifer is broken. Jennifer is tired. And she’s sick of hearing excuses. She’s done with reliving her abusive past. She wants to concentrate on the future. If you want to be in that future, then you may have to change. If you can’t change, then that is on you. Not me. I love every single one of you, but sometimes love alone just isn’t enough. 

But I’m here. And I’m ready to try. The ball is in your court now. Don’t fuck it up. 

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