Early morning musings

It’s too early to be awake on a Saturday morning, but I can’t sleep, of course. My mind keeps wandering to the strangest places.

Doesn’t New Years day feel like the longest day ever? I’m glad it’s over.

We watched Lethal Weapon last night and it was just as ridiculously bad as I remembered. My mom used to watch it all the time when I was growing up. I wonder if she still does. I have no idea about what my mom likes anymore or what she wants or how she feels. I haven’t really known her (if I ever did) since 1998 when I left for good. I suppose I could fix that, but I’ve lived this way for so long that it’s the only way I know how to be.

It’s interesting to compare that situation with my relationship with Dave. Just last night, during a discussion about parents and exes, I told him that I know him better than anyone else and I love him way more than they do. He agreed. We both remember our very first lunch date where I told him that I wanted to know everything about him. Now I do.

I was thinking about my ex yesterday because of a difficult conversation we had that made him sad. It occurred to me that the person he misses no longer exists. He doesn’t know me anymore. I sacrificed so much of who I was to make that relationship work, and now that I don’t have to do that anymore, I’m a different person.

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