my body is a cage

It sort of feels like I ruined my body by doing chemo and rads. I had a chronic pain condition long before cancer, but since cancer I have added a bunch of other issues, including: post-mastectomy pain syndrome and chronic headaches. Ultimately, being alive is well worth it. But sometimes I just can’t help but wish I could take back my pre-cancer body. I miss running fast(er). I miss soft breasts that aren’t constantly achy. I miss nipples!! I miss living without brain fog (aka chemo brain). I miss believing (on some level anyway) that I was invincible – or at the very least not being so acutely aware of my mortality. 

On the other hand, I am enjoying the hell out of my post-cancer life and I’m not sure I would have grabbed life by the balls in quite the same way if I hadn’t endured breast cancer. 

One thing I won’t be doing is letting it hold me back in any real way. I’ve seen that happen to survivor friends and that makes me very sad. I’ll swallow the pills. I’ll do the self-care, and I’ll wake up each morning and suck it the fuck up. Life is what you make of it.