This isn’t going to be pretty.

*domestic violence trigger warning*

While I do recall bits and pieces of various events in my young life, my most vivid “first” memory is from when I was around five years old. My mom woke me up in the middle of the night to go out looking for my step-dad. She parked our car in a 7-11 parking lot, and we waited quietly. It could have been minutes or hours. I had no concept for time. Eventually, however, we pulled out of the lot and started following another car. Finally, a few blocks from home, both cars pulled over and an argument broke out. I could see three people in the street: my mom, my step-dad, and some woman I didn’t recognize. It turns out that woman was my step-dad’s ex-girlfriend.

We ended up back at home, and I watched while my step-dad beat my mom up. She had to be at least six months pregnant with my sister at the time.

Other memories from around this same time include:

• my step-dad throwing a coffee table at my mom. there were broken pieces strewn around the room.
• my step-dad beating my mom up, locking her out of the house, and then looking over to me, casually asking, “Would you like some nachos?” All the while, my mom was hysterically crying and pounding on the front door, begging to be let back inside.
• being scared. all the time. and feeling very intensely that i could only rely upon myself for anything ever.