cancer is a mind fuck

Life feels sort of like a mind fuck right now.

This happened last time I got the “all clear” on cancer. You spend so much time preparing yourself for the worst case scenario, holding your shit together, enduring the procedures, and managing loved ones feelings, that after you are finally told you’re good – then and only then can you finally (and most properly) lose your shit. Up until you hear you have no evidence of disease, everything else is simply survival. Life on auto pilot.

I didn’t cry when my doc told me the bad news. I was momentarily teary eyed, and I felt like someone had punched me in the chest, but I kept my shit together. I went back to work and I got shit done. I went on with my life.  When the doc called yesterday and told me she got it all, I sobbed briefly but hysterically once I hung up the phone.

Now it feels weird. Life is supposed to go right back to normal, but that’s not how my mind works. I need time to process everything. I need time to properly feel my feelings.

So if I seem a bit melancholy, don’t judge me too harshly, please. Of course I’m overjoyed that I’m in the clear, but that doesn’t mean I’m mentally okay yet. I can be happy that I’m cured but still sad/angry/confused/resigned over the fact that this shit keeps happening to me.

Regardless, every moment is a gift. I know this all too well. Even feeling like a hungover pile of shit (which I very much do at this moment), I can smile and enjoy the sensation of getting to feel like a hungover pile of shit. Here’s to many more moments like these.

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