My ex texted me today about some random shit, and managed to let me know that he has had sex with a total of 26 people in his lifetime (25 since me, as I was the first). I ignored his text because:

  1. I don’t care.
  2. Gross.
  3. Nobody is impressed, my dude.

*insert eyeroll emoji*

I did get a good laugh, however, when I thought about the fact that, soon after our separation, he started referring to me (to anyone who would listen) as an “epic whore.”

My number is way lower than his. Who’s the epic whore now, motherfucker?

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