coming clean

One of the things I’ve been super vague about on the blog recently is the state of my career or maybe I should say my happiness with my career.

Though maybe that isn’t even accurate, as I don’t think the career itself is the problem. I like being an attorney. I’m good at it. And if I’m saying I’m good at it, then I’m probably pretty fucking good at it, because I’m way hard on myself. I enjoy the areas of law in which I practice, though some of my clients can be real assholes. I’m not sure that would change if I transitioned to another practice area though. Because let’s be honest: people are entitled assholes. Period. Working with the public just sucks. That’s the beginning and the end of it.

I’m my own boss, which is a blessing and a curse. It’s a blessing for all the obvious reasons. I don’t think most people really appreciate, however, how difficult it is to be the one in charge. And I don’t mean just managing the people. I mean that at the end of the day, it is on my shoulders whether my employees receive a paycheck. If there is a problem with a case, it’s my ass on the line. At the end of the day, it all lays on my shoulders. Quite heavily. It’s a lot to deal with. I’m stressed all the time. All. The. Time.

My business partner and I started this business almost 8 years ago. We were both very different people then. There have been highs and lows. When it’s good, it’s really good, but when it’s bad…yikes. Resentments have built up. We have a volatile relationship. My partner doesn’t like being a lawyer. This bleeds into everything.

Partnering up in a business venture is a lot like getting married. Our financial interests are all tied up together. We have to make important decisions together. We don’t always agree on those decisions. If one of us decides we don’t like this partnership any longer, it is a legitimate break up. It would be more contentious and complicated that my actual divorce. I would essentially be burning down 8 years of hard work and starting over again. It’s not a decision to be made lightly, which is why I’ve been obsessing over it for the last year (at least).

Every day I have to ask myself if it is all still worth it. So far, it is. Some day I may reach my breaking point. As for now, I continue to amaze myself with how resilient I am.

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