shut up and carry on

It’s brain purge time…I think.

It’s so hard anymore to know what to say or how to be here, there, everywhere. As I’ve gotten older, it seems I have gotten quieter as well. It doesn’t help that I know/don’t know who is reading this. I’m not sure why I care. Reader beware: read at your own risk, right? That’s just how it’s gotta be. Otherwise, I might as well delete this blog and move on with my life.

On top of the usual work stresses, we had some bad news yesterday regarding Freya and my mom. Everyone is okay, but for how long? That’s the question.

What are you supposed to do when someone says they want to die? I mean…I know what I’m supposed to do, but what can you really do? You can’t change their brain. You can’t really fix it – no matter how much you want to. I’ll do all the things I’m supposed to do, but I will still sit here confused and sad, because I truly do not understand. And if I’m being completely honest, it makes me angry.

My mom has (had?) colon cancer – I say had in parenthesis because it sounds like maybe they got it all out. She sent me a long message apologizing for some shit from the past – but I’m not even mad/resentful or whatever about that shit anymore. That’s a long time past. And really, thank god for those experiences, because more than ever, I can see who they turned me into. They shaped my life, and my character. I am a strong bitch now, and I think a huge part of that is all of the obstacles I had to overcome. I see weaknesses now in my own kids – and I wonder sometimes if we haven’t been too soft with them. If giving them so much more than what we ever had has turned them into people who are not capable of dealing with adversity.

But anyway, I told my mom that I love her, and it isn’t that I’m mad or resentful (anymore – because god knows I was when I was younger), but that it’s hard to change the habit now. I got into the habit of not having a family. I’m used to it. I’m used to not talking to her or my siblings. I grew used to being on my own. I made my own family, and I am very happy with that family. I don’t feel sad about things from my childhood anymore. It just is what it is, ya know? She says she is worried she has had her last birthday, and wants to make memories while she still can. I have to make an effort. I’ll regret it if I don’t. And I do love my mom. My sisters, too. We just live such different lives, and I have forgotten how to live the way they live. I ran away from it a very long time ago. The Jennifer they know – she is a different person. I don’t know how to relate to them; not that I ever really did. That was always the problem, right?

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3 thoughts on “shut up and carry on

  1. Family is complicated. Every time. For every one. Hang in and protect yourself. I mean, be gracious. Being kind is always a good choice. But always remember that you’re making choices and you can make other choices if things get exploitative or compromising. FWIW.

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