Yesterday, I was talking with another attorney, and I remarked, “At least it’s Friday,” and she replied,”Girl, you know that doesn’t mean shit when you work for yourself.” I thought about the box of files I have in the back of my trunk that needs to be dealt with this weekend, and sighed. Truth.
I don’t always meet all of my traffic clients in person prior to their court dates, and so they often ask the ladies how they’ll know who I am. K told me that her go-to description is: “she’s very beautiful, with long dark hair and big blue eyes. She’s very fashionable. You can’t miss her. There will be nobody else like her.” I was like ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️. So sweet.
It’s 10:07 am and I’m still in bed. I have a headache. Too much wine at the party last night. I’m an unbelievable light weight nowadays. I even took Thrive+ last night before bed. And otc pain meds. I remember back in college when I drank almost an entire bottle of Jack Daniels, threw up in an ice bucket, passed out for five hours, and woke up ready to do it again. No hangover. I miss my 20s, but then again I really don’t miss my 20s. Lol.
Speaking of 20s, how crazy that it’s almost 2020! I know it’s all bullshit really, but I def buy into the hype of a new year/new decade. It feels like a fresh start.
My default is to say something like “Oh this is the year I’m going to really get my shit together,” but like what shit exactly? It’s not like I’m some epic failure. So instead I’m trying to have a mindset of “this year I will continue to work on improving myself, loving myself, and being the best person I can be.” I like that much better.
Recently, I’ve had a few conversations with my ex that have clued me into just how sad he is with himself and his life. I’ve suspected it for some time. I feel conflicted. On the one hand, it makes me sad. On the other hand, so much of what is making him unhappy could be changed with even a little effort on his part, but he’s the king of no effort.
Related to above: my ex business partner is apparently doing very poorly as well. He suffers from a lot of the same issues as my ex. He doesn’t want to have to try. I don’t understand this mindset. How do you just give up on your life? I get that depression is very real and serious and all that, but he won’t seek help for it. He’s destroying his life. It’s sad to see. He’s going to end up like my ex husband.
It reminds me of those Fiona Apple lyrics: He’s no good at being uncomfortable so he can’t stop staying exactly the same. but also… I’m good at being uncomfortable so I can’t stop changing all the time.
It’s a strange feeling, when people are mad at you for doing what is best for you. Both of these men wanted me to carry them through life. I’m the bad guy because I decided to simply carry myself instead. It’s a bit of a mind fuck, but it’s fine. I can handle it.
I’m proud of myself for what I’ve accomplished this year. Things aren’t perfect, but they are better, and I’m not afraid to do the work. 💙
