the night is dark and full of terrors

And I can’t do another sleepless, panic attack filled night, so I contacted my oncologist and asked for a sleeping pill. Trazadone just ain’t gonna cut it. It’s time for the real deal: Ambien.

I also have a small supply of Xanax. I just took one actually.

My stomach hurts a lot today. I figure it’s a combination of stress and not really eating much. The acid seems to be churning away. There is still a part of me that is hopeful it will be something non-cancerous. I hate myself for that though. I should know better than to be hopeful. My MO is expect the worse, and maybe end up pleasantly surprised.

When the oncologist heard I was upset, he told me to come see him tomorrow after the scans. So that’s the plan. I doubt he’ll be able to tell me much at that point, but anything helps. The waiting is the hardest part. If it’s cancer…fine. I just want to know. I hate not knowing.

I’m worried about my husband. And my kids. Last night, they both laid on me together, and cried. They were very clingy all night, and had trouble getting to sleep. All normal, of course.

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