the daily depressing af post

I’ve started and deleted several posts today. Everything comes across very dark, and I’m not trying to indulge that mindset. Sigh.

Today is a long fucking day, and I am displeased. I am also not feeling super well. Whether that’s because of an actual illness, the overwhelming stress and anxiety I’m experiencing, or cancer ravaging my body – I can’t say for sure. Maybe all of the above?

See…dark.

Anyhoo – I feel very scatterbrained recently, but especially today. I had a hard time sleeping last night, which led to me oversleeping. So I was running late for court this morning, and I got ready in like 10 minutes. And let me be the first to tell you that I look like I got ready in 10 minutes (while still half asleep and completely out of fucks). lol.  I was half-way to Clayton by the time I realized that I had taken my husband’s car key with me by accident. So now he is stuck working from home, which I feel bad about. Ugh. Hello, hot mess express party of one!

Tomorrow morning is my PET scan. My instructions are to not eat 6 hours prior and to eat low carb today. Oh and to not wear anything with metal or zippers. It sounds like they will inject me with the radioactive shit around 7 am, and then I wait around for an hour for it to go where it needs to go. Then we will scan. So hopefully we won’t be stuck at the hospital for too terribly long this time around.

Tomorrow morning is also when I have to start my fasting for Friday’s procedures: upper endoscopy and colonoscopy. Those procedures are scheduled for Friday afternoon, so it’s going to be really fucking brutal. Not looking forward to any of it, but it will be good to get some answers – though I’ll be waiting on those for a while too. God – the waiting is the hardest part.

I keep having little mini meltdowns, but they are becoming less sad and more rage intensive. I am so fucking angry. That feels like the understatement of the fucking year, actually. Words cannot adequately convey the rage I feel inside – it’s almost like I can feel it just under the skin.

I’m very much looking forward to the weekend. I’m excited to have a weekend with the entire family at home. I have some stuff I want to do with the kids. I will not be working – regardless of how much I may need to. This job is not getting a second more of my life than is absolutely necessary at this point. I am not giving up time with my family to work. If my clients don’t like that, they can eat a bag of dicks and go find themselves a new lawyer.

I told D last night that even if we get the really bad news, I don’t want to feel like I’m dead before my life is actually over. I want us to live as normal as possible for as long as possible. I want to go out with friends, throw parties, go to shows, walk the dog, etc. All the normal shit. We have to fight the overwhelming temptation to just shut the fuck down. It’s hard functioning like this, but I just try to find the good in each day.

It reminds me of that DMB lyric from Pig, “There’s bad times, but that’s okay; just look for love in it.”

If nothing else, I feel so very, very, extremely, without a doubt, can feel it in my fucking bones, loved.

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