here and now (tuesday)

I got a couple of pitying looks today at court, but mostly people have been cool. I’ve had so many offers of help covering dockets and the like, so that has been really nice. I get the feeling people are genuine. This is a much different experience than last time around. The support circle is much larger. I’ll take what I can get, because this isn’t going to be an easy road to travel.

I don’t like the idea of being pitied, though. I feel – for lack of a better word – diminished. I’m going to fight against that, and hard, because I still have life to live, and I plan to live the fuck out of it.

I’m trying to take control of my life where I can. For example, I have spent my lunch break paying bills, getting caught up on personal paperwork, etc. I still have a long ass list, and I am most definitely behind in my professional obligations, but I refuse to get stressed out about it. The only actual good thing about cancer is that you really do stop sweating the small stuff. I have to save my fucks for things that really matter.

Court this morning was a bust. My oldie showed up and we were good to go, but then the Trustee no-showed us. Apparently, he is on a cruise, and forgot to continue the matters he had scheduled for this morning. Normally, I might be kind of pissy about it, but today I just laughed. Fuck it. What does it really matter if we do it today or on the 31st? Also, I hope he’s enjoying the fuck out of that cruise, though you really couldn’t even pay me to go on a cruise ship right now. With my (shitty) luck, I’d come home with Coronavirus.

I need some new clothes. My old shit is all slightly too big now, and I feel frumpy. I HATE feeling frumpy. I need to go down a dress size. Speaking of – my weight loss has plateaued, which I expected when I stopped the low carb/keto diet. On the other hand, my stomach issues have gotten a lot better, so I now know that the low carb diet played a role in how terrible I felt. I still worry I’m going to hear I have mets to the stomach (where those sneaky lobular carcinomas like to hang out), but there isn’t really anything I can do about that, so… Whatever will be, will be.

The plan tonight is to go work out; then go home and make dinner. No kids tonight – just the two of us. I assume we will watch the newest Better Call Saul, and then probably finish the episode of Star Trek we keep trying (and failing) to finish. Mirror, Mirror. D and I are considering being the “evil” versions of ourselves for Halloween, which, according to the episode, seems to consists of cutting off your sleeves, showing your midriff, and sporting a scar on your face. haha

Tomorrow afternoon is my biopsy. Arrival time is 1 pm. No food or drink after 8 am – which isn’t too terrible.

D and I were awake at 4 am today (unintentionally/our brains are assholes), so I bet we end up passing out on the couch tonight, but hopefully not until after I get that dick.

On that note…bye.

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