Life feels surreal right now.
I made the call to swap all of my in-person appointments to phone/Skype/Facetime appointments for the next couple of weeks (at least). Better safe than sorry, right? I am at high risk, due to my supressed immune system, and that is only going to get worse after Friday. I’m certain I’m about to lose a bunch of money though. Sigh.
Speaking of Friday, I am set to do labs around 8:45 am. See the oncologist at 9:40. Then the injections are scheduled for 10 am. I am nervous. I have been checking out the BreastCancer.Org discussion boards – and it’s a mixed bag. Some people have very few symptoms, and some are a hot mess. Across the board, however, people complain of extreme fatigue. I already suffer from chronic fatigue, so I am concerned, but all I can do is indulge in self-care, exericse, and concentrate on getting quality sleep.
Speaking of sleep, it was a big part of the discussion yesterday with the psychologist. That and my “generalized anxiety disorder” and “adjustment disorder with depressed mood.” Yeah – that sounds about right. The insomnia is a huge problem and the sleep meds I have been using aren’t working as well anymore. He is going to continue to help me learn different coping mechanisms, like meditation, for example. However, he also wants me to go see the Siteman psychiatrist who specializes in cancer issues, so that I can get on the right meds. I guess I need to call them today. I need help asap.
A bunch of events are being canceled, and rightfully so, but it means I have to find some new ways to keep busy, because when I’m not busy I go straight down the rabbit hole of depression and dying.
I have a lot on my mind. It’s exhausting. I want to not think about this shit for a while.
I’m “working from home” today. I haven’t actually done any work yet. I’ve done a lot of necessary personal shit though, like scheduling appointments, laundry, and the like. I kind of want to crawl back into bed with a book and read until I fall asleep. I don’t have anywhere I need to be until 3:30 – when I have to arrive to register for the MRI I have scheduled this afternoon. I’m already sick of hanging out in hospitals, which sucks because I’m just getting started.
I’m ready to get to the part of this process where I’m just living with MBC and not constantly obsessing over MBC. I know it’s coming. This is all still so new. It hasn’t even been a month yet since we found out that maybe we had a problem. That’s hard to believe, because it feels like it has been a fucking year. Living this way – with constant fear and anxiety and sadness – is extremely difficult.
I’m pumped that today is Friday. I’m looking forward to the weekend. We have the kids. We have some fun plans (assuming they don’t get canceled – though I doubt they will because they are small gatherings). I’m hoping we all get in some rest and relaxation. We deserve it.