how many times do i have to say it?

Yesterday, when I went to pick up Jackson from his dad’s house, my ex came out and chatted with me for a bit. He was clearly bored and lonely, which makes sense, so I indulged it. It was mostly fine, except:

I was listening to DMB Radio (duh) and he asked me how I felt about not getting to see them this year and maybe not next year either due to covid/social distancing. I explained that I’m particularly upset, given the terminal nature of my cancer, since I have no way of knowing if I will even be around to see them on the next tour, so I am really fucking sad.

To which he responded, “Wait…terminal? So there’s no hope?” Like this is the first fucking time he’s hearing about it.


It isn’t just him. Most people do this. I explain to them that metastatic breast cancer has no cure. That treatment ends when I die. I will stay alive as long as the meds can keep the disease at bay, but that eventually I will lose the battle. I have explained it over and over and over again, and it is so fucking frustrating to have to explain it multiple times to the same fucking people. My ex isn’t an idiot. He has heard me say the words more than once. I just don’t get the problem here. Maybe he’s in denial?

When randoms tell me shit like, “You’re going to beat this just like last time,” I let it slide. But this is the father of my child. He needs to understand the situation we find ourselves in.

I don’t have an issue with people hoping for a miracle – that maybe I’ll be in that 1% of people who get to NED and live a normal life span. But if you’re trying to be in my inner circle, I need you to understand what we are dealing with here. (And he is by default in the inner circle since he’s the father of my child). People want to know how they can support me. This is how.

I ended that part of the conversation by being as blunt as possible, “It is unlikely I will still be alive five years from now.” So hopefully that got his attention this time.

It may not sound like it from the tone of this post, but I continue to be grateful to have such a great support group with people who really do get it. My husband. Our friends, particularly Carrie, Annie, Chris, and Jess.

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