I had the appointment with the psychiatrist this afternoon via Zoom. It went the full hour, which I was kind of surprised about. She was extremely thorough. I was crazy nervous about this appointment for some reason, but it went well. She was kind. I feel good about our treatment plan. We’re adding in Lexapro, but we are going to start out at a very low dose to ease me into it. Last time I took Lexapro, it made me really sick. Luckily, I have Zofran and Compazine this time – so that should help. For my insomnia and panic disorder – we are going to stick with Trazadone and Xanax. I feel better about things.

[Tomorrow afternoon is my first appointment with the therapist. I’m anxious about that, too. I’m essentially anxious about everything all the time anymore.]

It was interesting talking to the psychiatrist about my history with anxiety. I’ve been dealing with it since I was a child. Growing up the way I did, I was always on edge. Always worried. Never slept well. When I got a bit older, I became obsessed with ways that I might die: natural disasters and airplanes were two huge triggers for me for years. I actually avoided traveling because I was too scared to fly. I still don’t love it, but I can do it.  Now I’m obsessed over how I will die from this cancer – what that will look like. I’m also obsessed in an unhealthy way about what my loved ones will do after I go; like it’s causing nervous breakdowns/meltdowns/tantrums. It’s not good. I’m hope the combination of drugs and therapy will help me feel calmer and less out of control.

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