my mind feels heavy

I have another terrible headache. I think I mentioned that previously. I feel awful. I’d like to just stay in bed all day, but we are supposed to be meeting N&N at four to celebrate Nancy’s birthday. I feel bad, because I am not at all enthused, and would love to bail. Can’t do it tho – because it’s just the four of us, and I can’t ruin her birthday celebration. Suck it the fuck up, buttercup.

I’m in a weird place with my relationships right now. I love my friends, and am so grateful for them, but interactions feel draining. There are only a few with whom I feel totally comfortable anymore, and like I don’t have to put on a happy face. It’s just a phase, I know hope.

Do we even have kids anymore? There is very little difference anymore as to when they are here and when they aren’t. They are growing up, and don’t need us much anymore. They do like to come down and hang with us while we make dinner, especially Freya. They love to listen to D and I talk/our banter & gossip. They think we’re fun – this is their word, not mine, and they tell us often that they enjoy their time at our house the most, which I’m slightly ashamed to say gives me a small thrill each time I hear it. It’s not a competition, of course, but divorced parenting can be difficult, especially since we can never truly know what’s going on in that part of their lives when they aren’t here, and it’s good to know they do love being here with us.

I really think it boils down to something quite basic: we have a more traditional family dynamic here, which their other homes lack, and given their ages now, I don’t think it will be the same if/when that changes. We’ve all been together since Frey was 6 and Jack was 2. That makes a huge difference. They don’t remember their lives before this.

I went down a rabbit hole over the past few days, reading the Breast Cancer Foundation forums. I’ve been reading up on my particular type of cancer, which is a rarer type, and more difficult to hunt down and treat: invasive lobular carcinoma (ILC). ILC likes to move to weird places, like the stomach, and the linings of various organs. It’s difficult to see on scans, including PET, and now I’m convinced my condition is worse than the docs believe, because they can’t see it. I’m considering a consult with the nation’s leading ILC expert, who is at U-PENN. I’d like a second opinion.

It’s time to take charge of my health, like for real this time. I’m not just talking about exercise and nutrition. I mean researching and getting second (and third) opinions and just really digging into my care. Metastatic breast cancer is like a full time job. It’s tough managing this and my law practice. I feel overwhelmed. Sometimes I just want to hide under the covers. I find myself craving silence and solitude.

My to-do list grows ever longer.

I suppose I should go shower and start the long process of making myself presentable for our friends.

I’m not unhappy. I’m really not. Just extremely fucking exhausted – in all senses.

It’s hard to read tone. I’m grateful for each day. Never forget.

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