I’ve found that I have a difficult time writing during the day. I only seem to find my words during my bouts of insomnia.
Despite how depressed I may come across at times, I’m mostly happy. I’m a happy person at heart. I adjust quickly to change. I can tolerate a lot of bullshit and a fuck ton of pain. I have significant emotional strength.
I’m working on myself. Progress is slow, but I keep on keeping on. Some stuff is small, like drinking more water, exercising, various self-care/self-reflection stuff. Other stuff is huge, like figuring out the future of my law firm and career. I feel like I’m on the brink of another huge change. I’m transitioning into what will be the end of my life. Maybe I have ten years or maybe I have two; all I know is that every decision I make moving forward has to be made in light of my new reality: I have terminal cancer.
It’s funny because there is still this part of me that can’t quite believe it. There’s this little voice that says if I just try hard enough, I can beat this, which obviously isn’t true. It’s just extremely difficult for me to accept that this is out of my hands, because I have fought so hard my entire life to accomplish the things I want; things that seemed impossible. But no amount of hard work and determination can fix this. It’s a hard pill to swallow.
All I can do is try not to let this steal more from me than it already has. I want to remain my authentic self, but I do feel like I’m already a way different person than I was when I woke up on February 17th. I’m still getting to know this new Jenn, which is the reason for all the self reflection. She’s pretty cool though so far. ♥️
Thanks for reading. I promise I have some fun stuff to share soon.