late night rambles

I’ve found that I have a difficult time writing during the day. I only seem to find my words during my bouts of insomnia.

Despite how depressed I may come across at times, I’m mostly happy. I’m a happy person at heart. I adjust quickly to change. I can tolerate a lot of bullshit and a fuck ton of pain. I have significant emotional strength.

I’m working on myself. Progress is slow, but I keep on keeping on. Some stuff is small, like drinking more water, exercising, various self-care/self-reflection stuff. Other stuff is huge, like figuring out the future of my law firm and career. I feel like I’m on the brink of another huge change. I’m transitioning into what will be the end of my life. Maybe I have ten years or maybe I have two; all I know is that every decision I make moving forward has to be made in light of my new reality: I have terminal cancer.

It’s funny because there is still this part of me that can’t quite believe it. There’s this little voice that says if I just try hard enough, I can beat this, which obviously isn’t true. It’s just extremely difficult for me to accept that this is out of my hands, because I have fought so hard my entire life to accomplish the things I want; things that seemed impossible. But no amount of hard work and determination can fix this. It’s a hard pill to swallow.

All I can do is try not to let this steal more from me than it already has. I want to remain my authentic self, but I do feel like I’m already a way different person than I was when I woke up on February 17th. I’m still getting to know this new Jenn, which is the reason for all the self reflection. She’s pretty cool though so far. ♥️

Thanks for reading. I promise I have some fun stuff to share soon.

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2 thoughts on “late night rambles

  1. I do all of my best work during bouts of insomnia. I don’t suffer from it, I enjoy every moment of it.

    —————–

    I forget who said it, but we’re all given a limited amount of time, it’s what we do with it that matters, right? You’re making a FUCKTON of difference with yours. You know how? You’ve got three humans and two animals right there in the house who think you’re a goddess (because you are), friends and acquaintances who think of you and smile because you make their lives better merely by being in them.

    I remember reading your LJ and where you came from. *What* you came from. Think of small Jenn, and what she’d think of Jackson and David and Freya and Biz and Sansa and that house and everything. Look around and think of where you started, and where you are now, and laugh that gorgeous ass of yours off. And remember how many people love you. Like me.

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