Some things –

  • The steroids are making my face even fatter.
  • I’ve gotten really good at regulating my drinking. Pics are deceiving just FYI. D finishes most of my drinks nowadays.
  • Still feeling quite isolated. I know I could seek companionship from friends, but I don’t seem to have the desire.
  • Right now I think I need to focus on my relationship with my husband. Cancer is difficult on even the best relationships.
  • It doesn’t help that I still have no clue what to do with myself anymore.
  • I’ve become obsessed with the idea that I’m going to get eye mets and go blind. I wouldn’t be able to read anymore. If that happens, I’ll need to be on suicide watch.
  • I accidentally got way too high last night and that was an experience. Lol. I charged my vape and it delivered way more oomph than I was expecting.
  • My mom is coming over for family dinner on Monday night. I’m just going with it. She’s trying really hard, and I appreciate that.
  • Sounds like today will be a quiet day. We have a lunch date and then will pick up some stuff we need from Michael’s to hang up our latest DMB posters. Plus, I want to get a vase for my seashells.
  • I guess I need to call the ortho on Monday to get an appointment. I don’t really know that I care all that much about it though tbh. More treatment? Oh yay.
  • I’m ambivalent about most things anymore.
  • I do need to focus on my future, limited though it may be. What do I want to do with my remaining time? I’m mostly retired now – but retirement is kind of boring. But I def don’t have the ability (or desire) to go back to being a full time attorney. This is where I’m stuck. I never get past this point.
  • I am getting worried about financial stuff too. I’m not used to having to rely upon someone else for support. It’s fucking with me mentally. I feel like a big burden. D reassures with this isn’t the case, but I can’t just erase 42 years of being this way. Everything that was so important to me for so long has turned to ashes all around me.
  • And these kids are so damn expensive. They always want more. Now Freya wants to go on a school trip to NYC. We just spent $14k on a vacation where she sulked about her bf most of the time, so we aren’t exactly pleased with the timing. Especially given not only my loss of income, but just how crazy fucking expensive it is to die. Ugh.
  • Oh well – it will all be fine in the end. Right? Well for everyone else anyway.
  • Aren’t I just a ray of fucking sunshine? LOL
  • You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit. 🤷🏻‍♀️
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