Shit has been kind of a mess around here. Lots of emotions. It’s been difficult.

But there is good stuff, too. I’m grateful for all the time I’m getting to spend with D and Jackson. Freya is never here, so I haven’t seen much of her. Teens. Sigh.

I saw something that triggered me big time today. Our friend, whose wife died of cancer a few years back, is dating someone, and he’s posting shit like. “I can’t imagine my life without you,” and that feels like someone stabbing me in the heart. That will probably be D someday. I just can’t…

I took a double dose of Ativan and locked myself in my room. I blocked out most of the sunlight. I really need to get some room darkening shades up here. Especially since this room is also our guest room, and we have two weekends of hosting guests coming up. Sounds like a good project for next weekend. It gets really bright in here – like being on the surface of the fucking sun.

I need to order my Halloween costumes. The month is flying by. Time is not on my side.

I’m sorta bummed. I signed up for the FMS worldwide gift exchange, but my person is in fucking New Mexico. That’s not exciting at all. Lol.

My neighbors really went overboard with the Halloween decorations this year, and I fucking hate it. I find it to be ugly and trashy. It’s kind of a pet peeve of mine: outdoor decorations in a nice neighborhood. I’m not trying to steal anyone’s joy, just saying it’s hideous. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Another pet peeve? When people claim to have read books when they actually only listened to the audio version. Sorry – that doesn’t count as reading.

I only wrote this post because I felt like I needed to post something here. I’m mostly keeping to myself. Lots of reading. Binging BCS still.

This week is a busy court week. I think I have an appearance every day but Thursday. And I’m planning on going into the office for a bit tomorrow.

My oncologist wants to see me, but I think I’m going to blow her off.

I just don’t care anymore. I need a break.