it’s getting old

I’m so over never having any good news to report.

I woke up this morning in a ridiculous amount of pain, which got worse as the morning went on. So bad that I couldn’t drive my kid to school, so he had to stay home. So bad that I was once again fighting off the nausea. Thank science for Zofran. It took several hours, many drugs, a long nap, and a heating pad to finally feel human enough to get out of bed and get ready for court. I have a telephone hearing at noon.

I’m pretty sure this pain is related to radiation, which means it shouldn’t last more than a couple of days. Dr. Z warned me this could happen, and I vaguely remember it from last time. Bones don’t like radiation. If it’s actually related to the UTI, then I’m probably dying. It’s hard to tell the difference because the tumors are in my pelvis – right where the bladder is located. Either way – it fucking sucks and I really hate it.

Jackson is the sweetest kid. He’s been fetching me drinks, taking care of the dog, and doing whatever needs to be done. He even made me breakfast. It was his first time cooking on his own, and he did a great job. I feel awful, because I was only able to eat a couple of bites. I don’t have much of an appetite.

Even the cats are trying to take care of me. Neither of them would leave my side. At one point, Sansa got on top of my head and started grooming me. It was all good until she started biting at my scalp. Haha. No thanks, kitty. But still – it’s sweet. I love animals.

I very much hope I’m feeling a lot better than this on Thursday. I can’t shake the feeling that this may be my last Thanksgiving, or at least one of the last, and I would like it to be a lovely day. My biggest fear is that my family will remember me as a sick person instead of the vibrant person I have been most of my life. I feel like I’ve spent most of the last three weeks in bed, moaning in pain, trying not to puke.

SIGH.

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