Return To Real Life

It’s Jan 2nd. The holidays are over. This week, the kids go back to school, and D goes back to work. The holiday decor will get put away. It’s good, I think. I miss normality.

It also means it’s back to caring about my general health and weight. I need to drink less, and eat healthier. It would be good to move more. I don’t think I’m going to join a diet lifestyle though. No Code Red, keto, or Weight Watchers for me. At least not as of now. I don’t like my current weight, or love how I look, but I have to find balance. I also need to work on acceptance. I’m a middle aged woman who has been in some form of menopause (now post) for over ten years. That alone takes its toll. Add in chemo and my various medical woes, and there’s just no way I’m ever going to be that super thin, half-marathon running, wrinkle free, thick haired gal again. The good news is that I’m slowly starting to love who I am right now. If I have one resolution this year, it’s that: to love myself as the imperfect person I am.

Life is too short for me to get back on my self-hating bullshit. I actually looked at myself on NYE, wearing my gorgeous dress, and thought: aren’t you just lovely?? I actually felt pretty that night. That is a big win. ♥️

I’ve been way absorbed in television as of late, which is unusual for me. It’s taken me away from my beloved books. It doesn’t help that returning to work has wreaked havoc on my schedule, particularly my free time. But I make my own schedule at work, so I’ll find the right balance with time, I’m sure. I certainly don’t want to give up some of the freedom I’ve enjoyed these last six months or so.

I’ve been considering my priorities lately. How should I spend the time I have left? I know it will never be enough. I just can’t let the pressure keep me from actually doing the living.

It’s weird, I’m not unhappy, but my heart feels heavy today. Heavy with expectation and anxiety, I believe. It’s that one thing I can’t get out of my mind, but for a short time here and there: what if this is my last year?

The clock just keeps ticking. Where am I in the queue?

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