9:48 am on a Saturday

I feel like the only person in the world who’s actually enjoying the cold weather. It’s so clean and refreshing.

I woke up this morning and the headache is still here, but diminished. I’ll take what I can get.

I want to be productive today. I also want to be lazy today. There really isn’t time for both.

Last night was messy. I’ve been in a bad way, and had a break down during dinner. That caused D to spiral. He was essentially begging me to go off my diet. To not add more on top of everything else. I told him my concerns. I don’t even know what I want anymore. Everything feels like too much.

Do I need to lose weight or do I need to lose my self-hatred? Do they go hand in hand? Does any of this matter? Will I ever be happy?

Going back to work has been harder than I anticipated. I need to cut back the hours. My brain doesn’t work properly and my body is exhausted.

Same day, same shit.

I was upstairs going through my personal closet, and found some things I want to starry wearing. A bunch of hats, and some dresses that have always been too big. Fuck it – I’ll belt them. I have this urge to dress like a lady from the 20s – cloche hats and tea length dresses. I’m going to lean into this whim.

I’ll be back later. For now…more rest.

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