I think about my death a lot. That’s no surprise. But, since I’m a control freak, I keep trying to come up with ways where I have some control over it. Obviously, there are some things I can do to prepare, and I do have a death plan, but I can’t get my mind around the fact that no matter when or how it goes down, it will go down. For everyone. And it’s just this endless pitfall of fuckery. I fall down it almost every night.

I want to know what to expect. I want to know how it will feel. I want to know how aware I will be.

There was a post in the support group today by a psychiatrist who asked if any of us thought about just eating a bottle of pills and getting it over with. The response was overwhelmingly yes.

I’ll leave it at that.