It’s so quiet in the house today. The kids are at school, and D is back in the office. I’m enjoying the silence.

Valentine’s Day was great. Joyful. I’m glad it’s over though, because now it feels right to look ahead to spring. I’m looking forward to nicer weather, and being able to resume our walks outside.

D gave me the Fitbit Luxe for V-day. I’ve been wanting it for the last few weeks, which is a long time in my world to want something and not just buy it myself – LOL. So far I’m liking it a lot more than my Apple Watch, which was really bulky on my tiny wrist. I have weirdly small wrists.

I’m back on track with WW and I’m excited to get some activity in so I can see what this Fitbit can do. It came with a 6 month free trial of the premium membership. Today I’m hoping to get in yoga and maybe day 1 of couch to 5k. I have to get moving again.

I’ve been seeing some seriously depressing posts in my MBC support group. It’s hard to stay positive in light of all that. Sometimes I think I should leave the group or see if I can mute it somehow. I’m tired of dwelling on death. It is unproductive.

SPEAKING OF…

I have cancer scans on the 25th. I’m a little nervous about it, because I’ve been having new pains. I’m so scared to fail this treatment. Even with the new side effects, it is still an easy treatment overall. Plus, it’s my third line already in just two years. Speaking of – Thursday is the 2 year anniversary of finding out about Stage 4. I try not to get too in my head about the statistics that say 3 years is the average life span post diagnosis. It’s…difficult.

I haven’t been sleeping well recently. If I don’t take a sleeping pill then I’m awake by 4 am, and that fucking sucks. Such was the case this morning, so I took a Ritalin to keep myself from napping today. NO NAPPING, JENNIFER. You’ve got wayyyyy too much to do. (The upside to being up early this morning is that my husband was as well, so I got laid. Woot.)

Bills, bills, bills. So many bills to pay. So much stupid admin bullshit, like filling out the personal property assessment and going through the giant stack of mail. Oh and finally answering the multiple emails from my estate attorney. I used to be a semi-organized person. Now I feel like a walking disaster. We had our water (briefly) turned off last month because I forgot to pay the bill. SIGH.

I should also do some work, but my motivation for that is in the toilet right now. I don’t mind covering court hearings, but the day-to-day paperwork bullshit is difficult. My mind can’t focus properly anymore. I used to be a fucking legal machine; churning out petitions, schedules, motions, like a motherfucking bad ass bitch. Now?? I’m slow, and yet somehow I still manage to fuck shit up. I am absolutely diminished in this regard. I am not the lawyer I once was. It’s sad, but I’m making my peace with it.

People get older. Some people get sick. Things change. Life goes on.

xoxo