And still I rise

I’ve been having chest pain and shortness of breath, so my oncologist made me go to the ER to be checked out. The CT was clear, so it’s not lung mets, thank goodness. They think it’s inflammation in the lining of the lungs, so I’ll be on a five day course of meds, and hopefully that will fix the problem.

This was my second visit to the ER already this year, and it’s only February. What a fucking mess.

I’m experiencing some emotional turmoil right now. I’m still struggling with who I am and what my purpose is now. My life plan was completely derailed, and now I have to pick up the pieces.

I think I’m finally starting to accept that I’m disabled now. I’ve started hesitantly using that word to describe myself. I’m trying it out. And trying to figure out exactly what that means for moving forward.

I’m still waiting to hear whether I’ll be approved for SSDI. I hope that can be resolved quickly. I’m considering quitting my job altogether. Even part-time has gotten to be too much for me. It’s hard to admit that. I feel ashamed.

I’m also still struggling with my “new” body. This body has been ravaged and poisoned for the last ten years, and it has really started to show. Part of why I wanted to do the photo shoot is to celebrate and appreciate the beauty of who I am now. Here are some of the pics.

In this moment, I’m proud of who I am. I’m astounded by my strength and my courage. I get up every day, in excruciating pain, and I live my life. It isn’t easy, but it’s worth it.

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