I want something else

Why is acceptance so difficult?

My emotions are out of whack. I’m back in a mourning state of mind. I miss what cancer took from me. I’m tired of feeling broken. I want to hide away. I don’t want anyone to look at me.

At the same time, I’m like “fuck that, fuck this, and fuck you.”

I know healing is a day by day, sometimes hour by hour, kind of situation. I’ll never really be healed emotionally. It will just hopefully get easier with time.

My biggest concern is how much time I’m wasting with the mourning and the feelings of inadequacy; the disgust. I’m trying not to let it hold me back. I’m purposefully seeking things that put me outside of my comfort zone, because I’m worried about becoming reclusive and bitter. I already struggle with a big old dose of resentment. I’m fighting. So hard. I promise.

Every day I rise and try again.

My plan is to turn the day around after I get the kids this afternoon. I really think just knowing they’re in the house will make a big difference.

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