I’m not doing well today. I’m feeling yucky and I’m in pain. I’m trying to figure out how I function with these new GI issues. Eating has become problematic. Half the time I have to force myself because my appetite isn’t what it used to be. Then I get sick afterward, so I dread eating altogether. I spend way too much time in the bathroom either being sick or trying not to be sick. It’s a literal shit show. And then there’s the reflux…

I see Dr. B tomorrow afternoon. Not quite sure what that will entail, besides her getting me up to speed on Xeloda. I’ve been reading about it, and it sounds awful. Pretty sure my nails are going to fall off, so that’s fun. I’ll get to keep my hair for the time being.

I’m trying to keep my emotions in check. I’ve had to start leaning on my Ativan again. Weed helps too, but I think I’m also going to order some CBD seltzers. Those are super relaxing.

Not really sure how I feel about working anymore. I’m covering for my boss’s paternity leave the next few weeks, but I may bail after that. I mean…what’s the point anymore?

This entire thing feels so surreal. How is this my life? I sit here and think that I can actually feel the cancer growing. Every pain or stomach cramp/gurgle reminds me just how very fucked I am.