12:48 am

Oh the pain.

And the rage.

In my head, I’ve been drafting a not very nice email to my oncologist. I am not satisfied with how our last visit went. I feel she was evasive, and rushed me out the door without the info I needed. I have no idea what’s a symptom of the cancer versus what’s a side effect of the meds (which she never even talked about). I want to believe the worst of it is side effects, because otherwise my cancer has gotten much, much worse. My stomach is so bloated, I look 6 months pregnant, and that is not an exaggeration. When describing the CT results, she said: we’re back to where we were before the Afinitor. But I’ve certainly never been here before. This is something totally new.

I’m considering meeting with another oncologist, but who? Just picking one at random seems absolutely pointless. BUT…

While in the ER, I heard a couple in the next room over discussing my very first oncologist and they seemed to be saying he was their current oncologist. This confused me, because the only reason he isn’t my current oncologist is because he was out on mandatory leave due to a legal problem in his personal life, and I was reassigned. I tried searching for him on the hospital site, and nothing came up. I plan to dig into this on Tuesday, because if he’s practicing again, I want him back.

I went as long as I could without taking my pain meds to try to combat the constipation issues I’m having from them, but I had to cave about twenty min ago. The pain was unbearable. And now…sweet relief. Though it’s still not quite enough.

This is just too much. I don’t know how to live like this.

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