2:35 am

My sleep schedule is fucked. I am still very much on European time. I slept on and off all afternoon, which I know was a mistake, but my body needed it. The result is that I’m now wide awake in the 2 o’clock hour.

My body is such a fucking mess. I feel broken. The fluid in my abdomen is painful and heavy, making it difficult to take deep breaths. My feet and legs are still swollen, though less so, thank goodness. I keep feeling panicky and like I can’t breathe. I just took a Xanax, which should help. I’ve been popping them like candy the past couple of days.

I’m trying to show myself a lot of grace this weekend. I deserve the time and space to rest and recover. I forced my body to its breaking point for the trip. I don’t regret it, but I have to be patient with it now. This is the cost.

I worry this was my last big trip. I don’t think I could handle another, unless something changes. I really, really need a treatment to work for me and give me some of my control back.

I still haven’t decided what to do about treatment. My three options are:

  • Restart Verzenio at a reduced dose.
  • Start Kisqali, which is a pill in the same class as V.
  • Start Erubilin, which is IV chemo.

I think I’m leaning towards starting Kisqali. I’m not convinced that Verzenio, even at a lower dose, won’t cause the same GI issues as before. At this point, quality of life is the most important thing to me. I don’t want to be sick all the time just to extend my life for a few months. What’s the point in being alive if I’m not enjoying it?

Hopefully writing that out will clear my head and allow for some more rest. I can feel the Xanax kicking in.

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