I’m so over head coverings. So. Over. It. BUT my actual hair still looks awful. It’s not filling in as well as I had hoped. My plan was to dye it and clean up the back, but then I really looked at it, and now I’m not sure it’s worth it.

I’m being impatient, I know. Assuming I start Kisqali, then I should keep my hair, and it will hopefully fill in. I’m just so tired of looking like shit all the time. I desperately want the old me back, and I know that’s not in the cards. But at this point, I’d be happy with being chick with extreme pixie cut.

I have all these cute clothes I never wear anymore, because nothing fits right, and I look like shit. I always look pregnant and bloated and swollen and bald and my face looks old and and and and FUCK THIS. I live in leggings and oversized tees. Mostly black. Anything that disguises my figure.

Why do I care so much about this silly shit though? It’s not like when I’m on my death bed, I’ll be thinking about how cute I could have // should have been. I guess I just want to feel normal. Ya know? I’m tired of being terminal cancer lady. I’m tired of LOOKING like her.

I didn’t post about it anywhere, but a second person insinuated I was pregnant during the trip. It was in Sicily at a wine tasting. She basically asked if the baby was enjoying the wine. I was speechless. I don’t think I actually answered her. Like…wtf on so many different levels. I didn’t know where to start, but, of course, it ruined the rest of the excursion. I felt self-conscious the entire time, like I was some alcoholic who drinks while pregnant, and worrying that everyone was judging me. I thought the lack of hair/and my head covering would indicate cancer, but I think most Europeans thought it was a religious thing, which I wasn’t expecting. Here in the US, I feel like people look at me and know I’m sick.

It’s just a lot. I spend most of my days distracting myself so I don’t cry, tbh, but that’s getting more and more difficult.

I think I need to spend more of my free time with people who love me. I’m going to make some plans to see friends. My spirit needs it.