Weekends are still important to me because it’s when I get to spend time with the family. I picked Jackson up early today, because his pants split up the ass crack…lol. This meant we got to have lunch together. I had the tiniest Happy Meal: 4 nuggets and a handful of fries. I can’t eat much in one sitting, and I chew very thoroughly/eat slowly. I’m likely going to lose even more weight. I’m quite frail nowadays.

Last night was rough. I was up late, feeling sick. I had to take 10 mg of Oxy in order to get enough relief to finally sleep. Then I still woke up early. But I had more energy, and I was able to do some laundry. D is going to be working mostly from home now, and I was able to have breakfast with him. That was nice.

We will be celebrating Jackson’s birthday this weekend. We have dinner reservations to his favorite fancy restaurant on Sunday night. I figure tonight we will present him with his gift. No need to drag that part out. I think he’s going to be very excited. Since he’s a teen, cash is king, and we’ve decided to be quite generous. He’s a good boy and he deserves it.

Yesterday afternoon I started writing letters. I’m running out of time, and so I made it a priority. I wrote one to both Jackson and D. Next up is Freya. I also want to write to my ex, as well as a few friends. If I’m lucky, I’ll have time to write more than one. I always want to make some photo books.

The kids and I are supposed to be in Chicago right now. I’m so bummed our trip had to be cancelled, but I am definitely not up to such a trip right now. Maybe someday? *lol-sob* Anyway – the new plan is to (hopefully) take the kids shopping this weekend and spoil them a bit, which was what we’d be doing in Chicago anyway. That plus the fancy dinner on Sunday night should make for a lovely weekend.

We all really, really need a good weekend together.

Come Monday afternoon, I meet with my oncologist to discuss moving forward. Part of me is prepared to hear I’m out of options. Another part of me knows that she’s not ready to give up yet. I know of at least two more treatments I could try. The wildcard is my body. I think it may have reached its breaking point. It’s so hard to decide the right course. Do I call in hospice, stop treatment, and live my best life for as long as I get? OR…do I fight, fight, fight, no matter the cost, in hopes that the next treatment will be THE ONE?

Ugh. I just don’t know. I thought I’d have at least another year before I had to make these decisions.

My concentration is shot. It’s kept me from reading for well over a week now. I’ve mostly been watching TV where I can zone out or do other things simultaneously. I’m even currently reading a much anticipated release and still…nothing. I feel broken. Not like myself at all.

I cannot believe next week is Thanksgiving. This month has passed in the blink of an eye. I’m hopeful that we will have a good holiday. We don’t have the kids on the actual holiday, so we’re having our big dinner on Tuesday instead. I’m hoping we will get a nice family pic that I can frame.

I’m so scared all the time. ♥️

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