the palliative doc

I had a Zoom appointment with her this morning. D joined us for the first time at her request. She wanted to meet him.

I caught her up with everything that has been going on, and she had some helpful suggestions for the constipation issues. She also said that I need to keep taking my pain meds, despite the fact that they slow things down further, and that we will work around it by increasing the bowel regimen. I needed to hear her say that. I deserve not to be in pain all the time. D says I whimper in my sleep.

D asked, and she answered: I have weeks to months to live, given the bowel perforation and aggressive, treatment resistant nature of the cancer. I am going to re-start chemo on Monday and hope that gets me to the new year. Like I keep saying: I really want one last Christmas.

D broke down when he realized how unlikely it is I will be here for his 50th birthday in June. It breaks my heart. I want to be there more than anything.

I keep wondering if I’ll make it to NYE. Should we even make plans? I should try to have fun while I still can, right?

This is all such a mind fuck. Trying to live and be happy in the face of this insurmountable tragedy. It’s just so very unfair.

In the meantime, I ate two cinnamon rolls and had chocolate milk for breakfast. Fuck it. It’s time to enjoy all the things. I went to Walgreens to buy suppositories, and ended up buying a bunch of little cutesy things to make myself smile. I deserve happiness, fun, treats, etc.

Around noon, D and I will start on the turkey and stuffing. We are also making mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, mac and cheese, and rolls. I bought pumpkin pie for the kids (and a slice of cheesecake for myself). I also have cheese and crackers to snack on. Part of me knows I have to be cautious with what I consume today, and the other part says fuck it. Just fucking fuck it. Eat what you want. Enjoy it while you can.

It’s going to be weird to have a Thanksgiving Part 2 tomorrow. But I’m grateful to get this time with the kids.

Weeks to months. Here we go.

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