I’m so envious of all the healthy people just out in the world, living their lives. It’s hard not to be bitter. I have to work at it. I remind myself every day of the good things in my life, and I’m grateful, but I’m also reminded of so much loss.

Having cancer in your GI tract is the fucking worst, dude. It’s so uncomfortable, and it is constant. I never get a break. I’m either constipated or I can’t stay out of the bathroom. The stomach cramps are present regardless. I’m bloated constantly, and look pregnant. It’s just a literal shit show and I hate it.

And I’m so fucking tired.

Anyway – suffice to say, this has been a bad afternoon for me. My stomach isn’t playing nicely today, which isn’t a big surprise given his things went last night. At least I’m not constipated anymore? I guess that’s the silver lining.

We were supposed to have dinner with friends, but that obviously can’t happen. So I don’t know how the rest of the evening will go. The boys are on their way home now. We have Jackson again tonight, because his dad is sick. Maybe we’ll watch a movie. That sounds nice. I’m not in the mood for more Christmas decorating. I just can’t get into the holiday spirit, it seems.