Yesterday was a chemo day. The biggest side effect of Halaven seems to be fatigue. I was quickly exhausted after treatment. I was in bed and falling asleep by 8 pm. I fell asleep sitting up while I was reading, and almost fell out of bed. Lol. At that point, I figured it was time to give in. I need a lot of rest nowadays, and I struggle with that, because I feel worthless when I’m not accomplishing something. I fight this battle every day. I’ve def gotten better at listening to what my body needs, but it’s a challenge mentally.

It’s early. 5:44 am on a Tuesday morning. This is what happens when I go to bed at 8 pm. It’s still dark! I was up early enough to see one of Karen’s FB Lives while it was happening. Haha. She’s an early bird. I’m def not a morning person, but I’ve found myself waking up around 5 recently, so maybe I’m transitioning? I do tend to fall back asleep around 6-ish.

I have nothing planned today. D will drop Jackson at school and I will pick him up. Picking him up at 3:30 is my only outing. I may start wrapping presents. I have two i can get out of the way. Laundry needs attention as always. I want to binge some more of The Sex Lives Of College Girls. It’s really good. I’m on episode 4 I think. Plus, I’m on book number 3 of the month. I’m back in my reading groove, and it feels good. I’m hoping my Book of the Month club package arrives today. It has three books I’m looking forward to reading. Also – I found out one of my favorite authors released a novella yesterday, so I’m ready to devour that as well.

I talked to my medical team yesterday about my eye. I have an MRI scheduled for January 3rd. I feel better knowing there is a plan in place. I think if they don’t see anything, I’ll get referred to ophthalmology. I’m talking to my palliative team about pain control. I think it’s time to increase my pain meds. They just aren’t helping as much anymore. Oh and a weird thing happened yesterday: I got a call from BJC Hospice to discuss their end of life legacy program – which is where they assist you in leaving videos and letters and stuff behind. My palliative team told me they were going to refer me, and I’ll def check it out even though I think I’m already doing most of what they recommend. It was just kind of a mind fuck to get a call from hospice. Like how is this my life?

I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately: how is this my life? How did we get here? Why me? I know this is just random and unfair, and there’s nothing to be done, but it’s bothering me again. I thought I had moved past this, but I guess not. I’m finding myself back in the anger stage. I’m really fucking pissed off. I’m trying not to take it out on anyone, but even that is difficult. I find myself annoyed and wanting to be alone to brood about it. I know that is not the right approach, so like I said: I’m working on it. But it’s hard. This is fucking bullshit.

Okay – enough of that. I think I’m going to try napping for an hour until I have to wake Jackson up. He tends to sleep through his alarm, so I call him at 7 to wake him up. It’s our thing.

xoxo