jenn goes bonker balls: a ramble

I’m on my laptop, and that always feels like a good excuse to update the blog. Typing is just so much easier on a full size keyboard. I’m old school. And…old. haha

Lots of stuff going on this week. Tonight is Jackson’s choir concert. The entire fam, plus Annie, will be going to that. I have invited my ex to sit with us, and it will be interesting to see if he accepts that invitation. It has been over ten years since we split, but he still holds a big time grudge against D, so that makes things quite awkward. However, my ex visited me in the hospital last month (when he brought Jackson up) and he actually said “take it easy” to D as he left. So that was def progress. My ex likes my bestie, so she will be a good buffer. I just really need G (my ex) and D to be able to talk to each other. Once I’m gone, they are going to have to communicate somewhat extensively. D is the trustee of Jackson’s trust, and there is going to be a lot of stuff to hash out over the years. I worry about this a lot. I’m a control freak, and so I am trying to control the future, which I obviously cannot do. All I can do is try to set things up to go as smoothly as possible. The rest is out of my hands. This has been a tough pill to swallow. Anyway send good vibes for tonight. LOL.

In the same “worried control freak mom” vein: both of my kids are having friendship issues right now and are struggling socially. I know this is totally normal and will pass. I also know that it drives me crazy that I can’t fix it for them. I hate seeing them suffer. And I keep thinking worst case scenario stuff like: what if I die and they have no friends to support them? Right now I’m Freya’s confidant, so what happens when I’m not around to fill that role anymore? What happens when I’m not around to be the mediator between Jackson and his dad? Who will Jackson open up to about his feelings when I’m not around to prod him? I know they worry about these things too. UGH – worry, anxiety, sadness…I’m trying to fight back, but it feels like that’s the atmosphere around here lately. And really – why wouldn’t it be? That’s totally normal given what we have going on. It’s a suck.

But I keep telling myself that everything is going to be okay. Death is a normal part of life. They were always going to grow up and move on. I was always going to be come less important in their lives. They will be absolutely fine. They will thrive. I can die knowing I’ve set them up to be emotionally and financially stable.

Then I start to worry about D. And that is an entire other thing. So much worry and sadness. I don’t want to get into that right now. I don’t want to spend my day crying over shit I cannot change.

This ended up being a trauma dump, which was not my original intent, but maybe it’s a good thing. It’s good to get the feels out, and that is always how I’ve used this blog. Why stop now? Anyway – what I was originally going to talk about is how this is a busy day/week, and I’m happy with how it’s going so far. I’m feeling okay-ish. Enough so that I got some errands done this morning. I’m excited about tonight, and plan to take the fam out for dinner after the concert. Looking forward to having that time together.

I’m trying not to get overwhelmed by everything going on this week (especially this weekend – yikes). It’s nice to have stuff planned, and to feel like a (somewhat) normal person just enjoying the holiday season. One big thing happening this weekend is we are having a photographer come out on Saturday morning to take some family pics. This is really important to me, and I’m hopeful we will get some great shots. But then we are having our holiday party with our besties on Saturday night – so it’s just a lot. (Oh and D’s work holiday party on Friday night / Freya’s choir concert. Busy fucking weekend).

It’s going to be fine! Deep breaths. Enjoy the ride.

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