I just took a Xanax in hopes that it will help me calm down enough to sleep. But I thought maybe writing would help too.

I can tell shit has gotten worse. My pain has gotten worse. I’m rarely hungry anymore. I’m exhausted all the time. I sleep too much. I can feel the end sneaking up on me, and I’m not ready. My brain is freaking out and it’s all I can think about.

I’m scared. I’m sad. I’m not ready.

But I’ll never be ready.

I have an MRI tomorrow morning so we can get some answers about what’s going on with my eye. I have to admit that I’m not sure it really matters at this point.

It’s getting harder for me to share here. Everything feels so dark and so heavy. And, while I’m surrounded by love, I still feel like I have to carry this on my own. I can’t put it down and it’s very heavy. You can’t come with me. I have to go alone.