I’m not okay.

I had a breakdown tonight talking to D about how the hell I’m going to be able to say my proper goodbyes to the kids without completely losing my shit. I don’t know if I’m strong enough, but I want to be. I want to be coherent and say all the things I feel in my heart.

I don’t want to be remembered how I am now or how I’ve been the last couple of years. I want to be remembered as the vibrant person I was before cancer stripped me of literally everything. I worry that cancer has robbed me of even that – my legacy.

It felt good to cry earlier. I’ve been holding this in for a while now. We just held each other and sobbed. Then we both took Xanax and went on to have a nice evening together (well as nice as it could be considering). We decided to start watching Community again. I don’t want to start any new shows I won’t be able to finish. I’ve been binge watching Friends like crazy so I can finish. I’m almost done with season 8. I want to also watch the reunion show, and maybe read Matthew Perry’s book, if time permits.

I’m bummed because my ex cancelled his trip, so I don’t get the extra time with Jackson this weekend after all. Though maybe it’s good for me to have a few days to wallow in self-pity before getting my shit together when the kids come home on Monday. I try to stay strong for them. They deserve stability.

We still haven’t taken the Christmas stuff down, and I don’t care. I don’t care if we ever take it down. Fuck it. I doubt he’ll ever put my beautiful 12 foot tree up again once I’m gone. Might as well enjoy it now. I do remind him constantly that he can’t just completely give up on life once I’m gone. I want him to find joy again. I want him to be happy – whatever that looks like for him. Life is too short to waste.

I bought one of those “things you need to know now that I’m dead” books and have been filling it out. It’s as much of a mind fuck as you’re imagining, but it is very helpful and I believe will be invaluable to him when the time comes. I’m putting in all kinds of info, like even stuff about how to feed the pets, order their food, and pay various bills, etc. I take care of more stuff than I realized.

I read up on a study today about Mets to the eyes and realized just how truly rare it is. The last paragraph read: the prognosis is dismal. It felt like taking a fucking bullet.

I mean…it’s not like I didn’t already know, but still. Yikes. Dead woman walking.

You know, it’s funny, because even now, with everything I have going on, I feel like I need to apologize for being so dark and depressing on my own fucking blog. Lol forever. At least I can be remembered as a well mannered, polite person?

Today a friend messaged asking if we’re still down for an event she’s hosting in a couple of weeks. I looked at D, and in all seriousness replied, “I might be dead by then.”

I hate knowing and yet not knowing. How am I supposed to live like this? It’s so hard.

About lawgirljenn

6 thoughts on “I’m not okay.”

  1. Hi Jenn, thank you for continuing to share so much. I know it is helpful for you, and is a record you want your family and close friends to have, but it’s also appreciated by others like myself, who are in a fairly similar situation. I’m so sorry about it all. How relieving it must have been to get some of your concerns out of your head. I have seen posts on the breast cancer boards re eye mets. I actually looked up the usernames to post here, but then I thought you can do that too, and maybe it’s not that helpful. For some reason, reading those boards make everything seem even worse than they are in reality, to me. Some posts do certainly include good info., like about trials (I didn’t see any trials mentioned in there particular to eye mets though), so I do trade off a slice of mental health for information once in awhile. I am continuing to hope that with more treatment, you’ll get a response. Community is so funny. Thinking of you X

    • I def have a love-hate relationship with the support groups. Overall I think they make me feel worse most of the time. Sometimes it’s because I feel resentful of all the people who are like “oh I’ve been on my first line of treatment for 5 years” or “I’m NEAD” because I’ve never been lucky enough to have that. There’s one lady who keeps posting about how she’s been stage 4 for 21 years, and I’m so envious that it makes me feel kind of sick. Sigh. Still – it can also make me feel seen and heard too. Def a mixed bag. I’m so grateful to have connected with people like you who get it and with whom I feel a kinship. Thank you ❤️❤️

      • I have to log in to “like” your comment, so I will just comment that I like your comment :). Looks like you had a pretty darn good weekend. Wishing you many more. Even though I actually look for people with long responses, I obviously get why it bugs you. When I hear of long responses but then the person is her2+ it’s kind of the same feeling for me. But then we are lucky to have some target with er positive. I don’t write tons about my scans etc on here, because it’s not my blog, but the last one was a mixed response. I also have mets in some unfortunately locations eg. face bones (every bone really), annnd my early cancer from 2019 came back within a year or so. Just so you know you’re in good company ;). I think I may have mentioned Abigail Johnston before. I’m not sure if you’ve seen, but she did recently get NEAD after 5 years of not getting it, always progressing. I hope that gives you hope <3

Comments are closed.