Where I Am

I think what I’m struggling with the most right now is feeling like a disappointment. Family and friends want to spend time with me. I get invited to do stuff, and I can’t. I feel like I’m always saying no, like I’m always letting someone down. I know that I seem the same to them in a lot of ways, because they aren’t living the day-to-day with me, but the reality is that I can barely get out of bed most of the time. I spent most of my days resting. Hanging out for me now means watching tv or movies from either the couch (on a good day) or the bed (on a bad one). If I can muster the strength for a visit, I can chat for about 90 min to two hours before I’m exhausted and need a nap. Every once in a while I can power through if we’re hosting something at the house, but that takes preparation (naps and medication). And, if I’m being honest, even then part of me is counting down to when it’s acceptable to go back to the comfort of my bed.

Jackson asked yesterday if I could drive him and his friends to play soccer on Saturday, and then bring them back for a sleepover. I knew I couldn’t handle that, so we compromised with just the sleepover. I hate not being able to act like a “normal” mom. At this point, I’d love to be able to drive him and his friends all over town. Shit – I barely got it together to go pick him up from his dad’s house today. I could have had D pick him up, but I knew Jackson wanted to be here asap since he’s off today, and I didn’t want to further disappoint him by making him wait.

I’m also constantly fighting an inner war to stay outwardly positive. I’m in pain constantly, and it takes a huge toll on my mental state. I’m grumpy, prickly, easily set off. I don’t want to take my misery out on my loved ones, and so I fight it, but fuck if it isn’t difficult sometimes. Even when they’re asking how I’m doing or showing concern, I sometimes want to yell “how the fuck does it look like I’m doing?!” I’m so frustrated by my situation, and I want to take it out on somebody or something, but there’s nothing. It’s no one’s fault. So I just sit and stew in it all the time. It’s awful and I hate it.

People ask what they can do to help, and I really do appreciate the sentiment so much, but the reality is…nothing. There is nothing anyone can do to fix this or make it better. I simply have to endure it. I have to dig deep within myself and be a better person. I have to fight against the darkness and find the light. Some days I’m better at this than others. I’m only human. Please forgive me my many shortcomings.

Being on social media is getting harder too. I see all these people standing in their own way, being their own worst enemies. I want to shake them, tell them to stop being fucking idiots. Life is too short. You’re wasting it. Oh how it infuriates me to see people wasting it.

This is where I am mentally right now. Right or wrong. For better or for worse. This is it. I’m hoping that having written it out will help.

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