All Over

I don’t eat much nowadays, so when I do, I allow myself whatever I want.

This was tasty, and with plenty of leftovers.

Tonight, the plan is to feast on mini tacos with nacho toppings. Mmm. I give into all my cravings at this point. Yesterday, I really wanted a Big Beef N Cheddar from Arby’s, so I ordered one for lunch. The day before that, it was a burrito from Chipotle. I’m finding my joy where I can. Eating almost always makes me sick, but I still love it!

Ideally, we’d be at our friends’ Chinese New Year party this evening, but I can’t really risk being in a big group right now, especially one with a bunch of young kids. My immune system is fucked, and I’m so weak I’m not sure I’d survive a cold, much less Covid. So we’re playing it safe and staying home. I really want to see my friends, and hope I can soon. I def won’t miss all the “omg she’s dying” pity glances and awkward chatter from the acquaintances tho. Sigh.

So last night was a movie night. We watched American Pie (1 and 2). My ex-husband was an extra in the first movie, and you see him several times during the prom scene. We paused to scope him out, and D was like, “Wow he looks so much like Jackson,” and I started crying because yes he does, and I’m so bummed I won’t get to see my boy grow into his adult self. It’s just…so fucking hard. Never gets easier. There has been a lot of crying this week.

D and I had lunch out this afternoon. We had a really good conversation about his plans for after I’m gone, and our fears and desires. I immediately came home and wrote him a letter so he won’t forget later when it actually matters. He talks himself out of everything!! I also finally wrote Freya’s letter, even though it was difficult, and made me cry. Now each of them has at least one letter from me to read after I’m gone.

Tonight the plan is to watch the other two American Pie movies: Wedding and Reunion. I’m looking forward to it. It’s nice to sit and chat and laugh at light hearted stuff. We reminisce about what we were doing when those movies came out. Talking to him never gets old. People say to enjoy it while you can, and that’s true, but you’ll never be able to enjoy it quite as well as you’d hope, and it will never be enough. You’ll always be left wanting more, because it’s just that damn good.

We will never be finished. I will always be with you. I love you, always and forever. That doesn’t just stop. I refuse to believe that. I don’t believe in an afterlife, but I believe in love, and love doesn’t just disappear. Not love like this. God, what a blessing to have experienced such a love. My life may be short, but it was bountiful.

I’ve gotten a lot of gifts and letters over the last few years. Just this week my cousin had a bunch of ice cream delivered to me. It’s so thoughtful. People really are truly amazing and full of love.

I tried the gooey butter cake flavor last night, and wowza it is sweet. Too sweet. And I never say that!! Tonight may be a chocolate kind of night.

Today I received a card in the mail from an aunt I don’t know terribly well, but who has always been kind. It was a nice note, and contained a CD recording of The Lord Is My Shepherd. It’s not really my scene, as I’m not religious, but I find comfort in receiving these incredibly thoughtful sentiments of love from afar.

Not too long ago, a friend sent me a care package that was filled with handmade cards from her first grade class. These lovely children sent heartfelt messages of love and support to a complete stranger. It was so beautiful, and really warmed my heart. Thank you to anyone who has reached out in any way. Even just a text message means so much. You help this old gal feel less alone.

xoxo

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