Feelings Vent

I already feel bad enough about…well everything, so passive aggressive texts from my mother about how I obviously don’t want her to come see me are annoying af, and make me feel even worse. I don’t need this from her or anyone right now.

For the record, I’m not seeing most people outside of D, the kids, and my docs. I occasionally see a friend, but not often. It’s not that I don’t want to see my mother, but she lives like two hours away, and it’s not easy to plan when I don’t know how I’m going to feel on any particular day. I’m forced to cancel plans constantly. Oftentimes the day of. Ugh I’m just so annoyed by this right now. So much so that I haven’t responded, and it’s been over 24 hours.

On the other hand, as a mother, I get how she must be feeling, and I feel guilty about it. But I’m the one who is dying, and we have to do this on my terms. And I’m just not ready to say goodbye to her yet. I’m not. The next time I see her will almost certainly be the last. Is it surprising I’m not in a mad rush to set that up?

Plus, she’s acting like she wants to come down here and take care of me, which is just not going to happen. We don’t have that type of relationship. I love her, but I’m not going to pretend like we’re something we’re not.

I just needed to get that out. It’s been festering.

I’ll likely reply to her tomorrow when I’ve had a chance to figure out how I want to do this.

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