I’m tired, but I’m also restless. I’m in pain. I’m anxious. I’ve had difficulty sleeping this week, and it’s starting to wear me out. I was hoping tonight would be different, but, alas, here we are.

I had lunch with Angela today, and it was delightful to catch up. She’s a very interesting person with a lot to say. I love conversation that flows. Fuck small talk forever and ever.

My mom texted me begging me to let her come over. I asked when. She said whenever. I gave her dates, and she said, “I’ll get back to you.” Seriously? All I can do is laugh.

I’m in a bad headspace right now. I have a lot of anxiety thinking about death. I’m always like on the brink of a panic attack. I’m so tired of living like this, but also omg I want to live.

Ugh.

I decided I needed to read something lighter than my usual fare, given my dark moods, so now I’m reading some fun fluff. It’s called Stone Cold Fox, and it’s extremely entertaining so far. I’m about a third of the way in. Some of the horror I’ve been consuming has invaded my dreams, and I don’t like it. This book will be a good palate cleanser.

Tonight, D and I ordered Chinese and watched two of the three Hangover movies. For fuck’s sake – the second one is bad. I don’t think we’ll be watching the third.

Tomorrow, we have a BBQ with friends, and I’m hopeful the body will cooperate; though I joked to D tonight that I may have to bring my heating pad. I was only half kidding. In related news, I tried the methadone earlier and it knocked me on my ass. I didn’t like how it made me feel, but it definitely works.

I was hoping that writing would help clear my mind, and make me feel better, but I’m still out of sorts. I wish there was someone awake to chat with. I know my husband will read this tomorrow and say that I should have woken him up, but no way. He works hard, and he needs his rest.

I’m going to give sleep a chance.

♥️