Still Here

The outpouring of love I’ve gotten since announcing I’m stopping treatment has been overwhelming. In a good way, of course. I’m so touched and grateful to have so many amazing people in my life. I’m thankful that people are telling me how they feel now. It’s kind of like having a living funeral. It brings me comfort, but also strength. And I need all the strength I can get for this final transition. Help me stay strong. Let me be brave.

Today was a good day. I finally got my pain under control. Weirdly thanks to adding ibuprofen into the mix, but whatever works! D and I went out to lunch. I owed him a lunch due to a little bet I lost, so we went to BWW even though I told him I’d take him some place better. Anyway – we had a good talk about lots of important shit. Then we spent the rest of the afternoon cleaning our bedroom and getting it more comfortable. It was time well spent. We bought new pillows, and I’m in heaven.

I had a conversation with my ex tonight about things. He has asked if I’ll have dinner with him next week so we can discuss things in depth. He even invited D, which was kind of shocking, but def made me feel better about how things are going to play out in the future.

I keep finding myself having to console people who are upset, and it’s surreal in a way that is just impossible to describe. To be clear: I’m not complaining. I just want to leave behind a detailed account of this whole dying process (incase it helps someone in the future), and consoling people who are sad about their future without you, when you have no future, is a very odd feeling. Still – it’s wonderful to know how very loved I truly am. I’m so lucky. I even have strangers reaching out to me. Somehow I’ve touched their lives in a positive way, and that is a beautiful legacy.

D and I had leftovers for dinner and watched a bunch of season 2 of Eastbound and Down, which never stops being hilarious to me, and is just what I need right now. Lots of laughing. He commented that it feels weird to be behaving so normally, and I agree, but what else can we do? It’s better than crying, that’s for sure.

Last night was fucking brutal between the uncontrolled pain and my mental anguish. I’m hopeful for a restful night. I desperately need some sleep.

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