D and I had another good day. We got all the bills handled/transferred over, and also dealt with the taxes. I know he feels relieved to have that all sorted, and I’m relieved to no longer bear the responsibility.

We had a nice dinner out tonight. Good conversation. We didn’t dwell on our shitty situation; just enjoyed each other’s company. It felt like old times. We reminisced about our early relationship and now much fun we had drinking our way around STL.

It’s 10 pm now and we’re in bed. I’m starting to spiral a bit. I have surgery tomorrow and I’m nervous. I’m also trying to fight the bad thoughts where I dwell on the actual dying part. I did watch two cancer related movies today, which may seem weird, but I find them kind of soothing. I watched Miss You Already, which I hadn’t seen before, and 50/50, which I’ve seen several times. MYA is about a woman dying of mbc, so it hit close to home. I hope dying in real life is as peaceful as its portrayed in the movie.

It’s weird – so many people have reached out, but there are a few I would have expected to hear from who have stayed silent. I’m trying not to read into it. Some people just don’t know how to say goodbye.

I think I’m going to read while I wait on this Xanax to kick in. Please send me good vibes for tomorrow. I need them.