Randomness

– I am high on a gummy and it’s a delight.

– The Conjuring, in particular, and horror generally, is my go-to source of comfort. Current status: on the couch, high af, watching TC on Netflix. Up next: The Conjuring 2. Lol.

Zofran is my new best friend.

I’m getting better at allowing myself to just be, and not beating myself up for not living up to my ridiculous expectations for myself.

Like my weight, for example: I’ve gained some back since stopping keto, but I’m not obsessing (too much – ha). I’m being gentle with myself for the first time maybe ever.

Let’s talk side effects so far: fatigue, dry mouth, loss of appetite, nausea, and headache.

I’m going to try to get back to my normal routine tomorrow. I think some normalcy would do me good.

Oh and here is a pic of me from yesterday, just because I like it.

Hello from the couch

It’s Saturday – my favorite day of the week! Tonight, the husband and I are staying at The Ritz Carlton just because, and having a fancy dinner at 801 Chop House. I’m quite excited.

I’m feeling better than I expected. Let me be clear: I don’t feel good. I just don’t feel as bad as I was expecting. Of course, I think it’s possible that I’ll feel a little worse every day as the drugs build up in my system. So far I’ve experienced nausea, headache, and fatigue. A little blurred vision. Some confusion and memory loss. This med is known for causing brutal diarrhea. So much so that my medical team sent me home with four boxes of Immodium. However, I’ve been spared that side effect so far. I hope I’m not jinxing myself. 😳

In the next few weeks, it is possible I may get the dreaded body rash, and experience some significant hair loss. I’d honestly rather have the hair loss than the rash. I’ve emotionally prepared myself for the wig life. It’s inevitable that at some point I’m going to lose all my hair again, so I’m fine with it happening now. It is what it is. In some ways, it actually makes life easier. But the rash?? No thanks, bro.

I look cute in wigs anyway. Wigs are fun.

I kind of don’t know how to proceed in certain aspects of my life at this point. The question I keep asking myself is: what do you want? And I don’t know exactly. I know I want to spend as much quality time as I can with the people I care about the most. But who makes the cut? And what do I do when I’m on my own? What is important to me now? What fulfills me?

I’m worried people are starting to see me as just a person with terminal cancer now. I feel diminished by it. Like my shine has dulled. I hate it.

I’m going to go enjoy a few hours of free time before I need to start getting ready for our night out. I hope the weekend treats you well.

xoxo

And so it begins…

I’m extremely nauseated, my head hurts, and I generally just feel unwell. Hello darkness, my old friend.

We didn’t get home from the hospital until 9:30. It was a ridiculously long day. We do it again in two weeks. I have to go to the west co location tomorrow morning for more blood work and another EKG. The schedule for the first two months on the trial is overwhelming. Being a cancer patient is now my job.

I almost had a panic attack multiple times today. Being in that treatment room all day really forced me to confront some difficult truths. I’m not ready to unpack those right now, because it’s late, and I am drained.