Underneath it all.
D asked me what I’m going to do today. My response was, “Whatever I feel like doing,” but here is a to-do list:
- Pay mortgage
- Clear dining room table
- Watch more of “The Sex Lives Of College Girls”
- Have lunch with D
- Possibly go to Ulta but I probably won’t
- Shower (this is taxing enough nowadays that it feels like a chore)
I’ve been awake since 5 am and that sucks. It’s 8:12 now. I have the entire day ahead of me. I guess I should get up and feed the cats. I let Jackson stay home from school today. He requested a mental health day, and I get it. I totally get it.
Just bought tickets for us to see Les Mis on Jan 19, so I’ve gotta at least hold on until then. Lol.
I’ve been giving myself time goals. It helps.
And after Les Mis comes Six, which I’m crazy excited for.
Trying not to cry because I am having a hard time doing stuff for myself nowadays and feeling like a tremendous burden and that everyone would be better off if I just hurry up and died already.
I’m so envious of all the healthy people just out in the world, living their lives. It’s hard not to be bitter. I have to work at it. I remind myself every day of the good things in my life, and I’m grateful, but I’m also reminded of so much loss.
Having cancer in your GI tract is the fucking worst, dude. It’s so uncomfortable, and it is constant. I never get a break. I’m either constipated or I can’t stay out of the bathroom. The stomach cramps are present regardless. I’m bloated constantly, and look pregnant. It’s just a literal shit show and I hate it.
And I’m so fucking tired.
Anyway – suffice to say, this has been a bad afternoon for me. My stomach isn’t playing nicely today, which isn’t a big surprise given his things went last night. At least I’m not constipated anymore? I guess that’s the silver lining.
We were supposed to have dinner with friends, but that obviously can’t happen. So I don’t know how the rest of the evening will go. The boys are on their way home now. We have Jackson again tonight, because his dad is sick. Maybe we’ll watch a movie. That sounds nice. I’m not in the mood for more Christmas decorating. I just can’t get into the holiday spirit, it seems.
I didn’t get much reading done last month. I was too sickly for most of November to really concentrate enough to read. I’m hoping to pull myself out of this slump. These three books were great though, so def check them out.
I ended up really sick last night, but the rest of the day was amazing. I definitely overdid it, but I have no regrets. In fact, D and I are meeting up with friends tonight for dinner. I’m looking forward to it. Seize the day, right?
This chemo has me extremely fatigued. I feel like I could sleep endlessly. I have very little energy. I want to get up and clear off all the crap on the dining room table, but I don’t have it in me currently to do so. Maybe later.
I got my hair trimmed, went to an impromptu lunch with a friend, and had dinner with my bestie and my kid. It was a good day. My soul is happy.
Isn’t she lovely??
There are two other trees to put up, and I need to decorate the mantle, but this was the biggest step. I love this time of year so much. I’m excited to sit in the living room tomorrow night and read next to the tree. Sounds lovely.
Movie of the day! It’s an oldie but a goodie. Sansa thinks so too.
I’ve been having tough conversations with both kids recently about how life isn’t fair. They are both dealing with difficult shit, which we talk out. I’ll make a comment about how something “just is” and they’ll say “well I don’t like that” and I’ll have to say “yeah, it sucks, life isn’t fair.” I hate that they have to learn these lessons, but I also know they are necessary, and I’m glad I’m here to help them learn and grow. Not everything can be fixed or changed. Sometimes all we can do is find acceptance, and learn to give ourselves grace while we find our best way forward.