ahh yes, now i remember…

I spent the entire morning in Saint Louis County Circuit Court doing various criminal dockets. Running from one courtroom to another. Managing clients’ expectations. Negotiating deals with prosecutors. Arguing a motion in front of a judge. Doing a blind plea and arguing my way into better probation conditions. It was intense. I was stressed. But it was fun. The morning flew by. That adrenaline rush is addictive. It’s better than drugs.

This is why I became an attorney. I think I should make a bigger shift towards criminal defense. (After all, I originally wanted to be a public defender.) I’ll always do bankruptcy. I’m quite good at bankruptcy. I even enjoy it sometimes.  It’s nerd law, and that is my jam. But it isn’t exciting, and it is a grind. I also find the clients tend to be more difficult to deal with than defendants, which is kind of nuts when you think about it.

I had four cases on this morning, so I guess that area of practice is picking up.

Mama like.

I bitch about my profession quite a bit. I figure it is only fair to mention the good parts as well.

And, honestly, I’m starting to get a bit excited about my upcoming trial.

desperately seeking something

The blog has gotten kind of dark recently. I realize that. I’m not apologizing for it, however, because this is where I am right now, and this is my place. This is where I write it out. Gotta take the good with the bad.

I think I’m going through a mid-life crisis. I’ll be 39 in a month, after all. The last year of my thirties. I’m approaching true middle age, and I guess it has me questioning a lot of things, particularly career related things. I am quite content with my home/family life. My relationship is fucking solid. But I’m not happy with my career. I cannot imagine doing this every single day for the rest of my life. And that has me super down. I’m also not doing really well with this whole post-menopausal/aging situation. I feel old, ugly, fat, and unattractive. I’m trying to take better care of myself both physically and mentally, but it’s hard, and I struggle to love myself/take care of myself the way I deserve.

It doesn’t help that the world seems to be getting shittier every day, and it makes things feel both hopeless and pointless.

I feel so much rage towards so many people. I’ve been so good about swallowing it down for so long, but it feels like everything is going to erupt. There are people in my life who are dangerously close to no longer being in it.

I don’t fucking know. All I know for sure is that I’m a bit of a mess. I’m trying to fix it, but I’m definitely riding the struggle bus.

I had a 30 min phone conversation with prison client. I ended up yelling at him, because he is making decisions based upon bad information and false assumptions. He won’t take the really amazing settlement deal that’s on the table because “it’s the principle of the matter.” I told him I was going to make him sign something saying I told him he was making a huge mistake.

In like 10 minutes, I’m heading to Ladue to meet with my CPA to talk about tax liabilities. So that should be super duper fun.

My assistant was like, “When you get back…” and I was like, “Oh no, I am not coming back today. Fuck that noise.” The only place I’m going (after kid and pet pick-ups, of course) is home.

What I wanted to add, but didn’t, was, “I may never come back,” or even, “I hope this place burns down while I’m gone.”

So that’s where we are today.

I was all jazzed to go to candlelight yoga this evening, but it was canceled. I guess I will have to find another place to channel my rage.

 

I’ve taken to hiding in the bathroom to get a break from people.

Everyone needs something from me all the fucking time, and I’m just so tired.

Earlier, someone was talking to me and I just walked away.

Because I’m done.

It’s a vicious cycle.

You can’t just walk away from 500 active cases, no matter how much you want to, and you still need to make money, so you have to take on even more cases. And this goes on and on and on for the rest of your fucking life until you just drop dead from the stress of it all.

That’s what it’s like being a lawyer.

Oh and you likely paid like $100,000.00 for the privilege.