I wish I could talk to Grace. She died a few years ago from pancreatic cancer and I just feel like we’d have so much to talk about. She left behind two kids and a husband too. She gave up a veterinary practice. I feel so isolated and alone. Nobody understands me anymore.

Other Things

  • I can’t stop eating junk food. And I don’t really care. What’s the point in caring now? Why diet? Nothing matters anymore. It’s kind of freeing tbh.
  • I finished season 3 of Dead To Me and *SPOILER ALERT* I actually enjoyed the terminal cancer story line. I think they handled it really well (for the most part). It was sort of cathartic to watch it. I felt seen.
  • I’m up to season 3 of my Friends rewatch. It’s not nearly as good. I need a new show to watch.
  • I started a new book and it’s not keeping my attention. I need something to blow my mind.
  • I bought the first Christmas present of the season. It’s for my bestie. Gotta work on some other stuff tomorrow.
  • I’m sad tonight. I just want to go to sleep to get a break from it.

Stuck

I have this song stuck in my head and it’s really bumming me out tonight.

I wanna make you smile whenever you’re sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you

I’ll get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh, it could be so nice, growing old with you

I’ll miss you
Kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold

Need you
Feed you
Even let you hold the remote control

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed when you’ve had too much to drink
Oh, I could be the man who grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you

Grow Old With You – The Wedding Singer

Halaven: Here We Go Again

I restarted chemo this morning, and so far no nausea or vomiting. So that’s a good sign. I’m hopeful this will be tolerable. I’ll find out over the next few days, I guess.

I don’t have much to say today. I’m just really tired. I feel like I have a lot to do. I need to find the strength to do it all. I started a photo book for Jackson today. I selected 40 pics and then they wouldn’t upload, so I have to start all over. I’m extremely annoyed.

We had dinner tonight. Set up one of the small trees (dining room), but won’t decorate it until tomorrow at the earliest. I’m hoping I’ll be able to pack away all the fall décor tomorrow. It’s so weird that it’s almost December. Tomorrow we tackle the big tree. My favorite.

Sunday Stuff

Not feeling great today, but what else is new. I’m going to force myself to go out with my bestie for lunch and a pedi tho, because I’m running out of time. I have to make the memories now. Plus, I need to vent and she is a safe space for me to do so.

It’s 10:35 am and I’m still in bed. My body aches. My back is all fucked up. It’s hard to walk. It’s weird how this suddenly popped up out of nowhere.

Tomorrow morning I meet with my oncologist to determine if I’m healthy enough to restart chemo. Fingers crossed that she will allow it. I’m ready to fight this shit back. I want my fucking Christmas. And I want Valentine’s Day. I want to go to Carrie’s wedding, and I want to throw D a 50th birthday party. I want until July. Then it can take me.

I don’t think I’m going to be that lucky, but the hope still lingers. It has lessened over time, but it’s still there.

The weekend has been long, quiet, and relaxing. We’ve watched oh so many movies. I bet we watch another tonight. Maybe I can convince D to watch some horror.

The kids come home tomorrow (yay) and we’re going to put the Christmas trees up this week. We have a tradition where we put up the trees while watching Christmas Vacation, and drinking cocoa. I think I’ll bake some cookies too. And we’re ordering Chinese. I’m looking forward to it.

Note to self: take lots of pictures.

xoxo

The Day After The Day

Yesterday, my upper back started to ache most fiercely. This has happened before – when I was in the hospital – and it occurred to me that it’s likely an indication that the cancer has spread. Feels like it could be from a spinal met. It’s excruciating, and is causing some weakness in my left leg. So that’s fun. A combo of morphine, oxy, Tylenol, and repeated use of the heating pad has barely taken the edge off. It’s always something with this body.

I still don’t have my other issues under control, but they are at least better than they were. I’ll take what I can get.

I don’t know…sometimes I worry that I’m closer to weeks than months. It’s getting harder to imagine still being here a month from now. I don’t know how much more this body can take.

Yesterday, when I was feeling better, I made plans to see friends tonight, and I’m hopeful I can get my pain levels under control so we can honor that. It would do us both good to get out of the house. I just really need to be distracted for a while.

It’s hard to believe Thanksgiving is over. Everyone is now in full on Christmas mode. It’s time to start working on my gifts. I want to get them done early. Just in case. No procrastination this year, Jenn.