all the niceties are gone this week

Had a super awkward interaction with Freya’s mom yesterday when she came to get Frey, mostly because I just couldn’t muster any fake enthusiasm or small talk. I was like oh hi. She’s coming. Lol. To be fair, she didn’t seem up for it either. Then I was like “bye” and closed the door.

🤷🏻‍♀️

I’ve been so fake for so long that it’s like I’ve used up all my fake reserves and now I can’t fake it till I make it anymore.

Yesterday, a colleague was like, “how are you,” and I was like,”not great actually.”

Outta filter.

Outta fakeness.

Outta fucks.

Not much to report

I didn’t see the business partner at all today due to various court appearances. Tomorrow, though. Tomorrow we have to dig the fuck in. Because I’m done living like this. And there isn’t really enough money for both of us to stay. Not to mention all the many other issues that have been a problem for years. I’m done ignoring it. It’s time to address all the things.

Who knows where it will all end up. This is a huge life-changing decision.

I’ve got my resume ready though, and I’ve found a list of positions to apply for. I’m open to keeping the firm too, assuming he will leave, but I don’t see that happening. I don’t know that I’m up for starting all over again with a solo practice, though I haven’t completely eliminated that option quite yet.

Ugh…it’s all so much. I’ve been having panic attacks over and over and over.

Oh I saw this earlier, and it felt relevant:

I need booze. Okay bye.