No Escape

I’m running from my feelings, and it always feels as though I’m right about to stumble. It’s exhausting.

I’m exhausted!

But I can’t let myself go down the feelings wormhole. No, ma’am. I will drown in it.

Wednesday?

I cancelled my big birthday bash. Facebook makes it impossible to edit events on the app, so I had to wait until I was on my laptop. I’ll plan a few smaller celebrations instead, depending upon how I’m feeling.

Yesterday was a good day. I was feeling fairly well. We were able to get out up spend the afternoon playing games at D&B. It wasn’t as good as Six Flags, but it was something fun that I could handle. I’m grateful for the day and for the memory.

I’m feeling okay today. Fatigued. A bit upset in the GI tract. Chemo tomorrow afternoon. It will be interesting to see how much of his I’ve felt this past week is related to chemo, and how much from the cancer itself. Hopefully, symptoms will lessen as the treatment has a chance to work.

Please, please work. Please.

I haven’t been sleeping well recently. I wake up around four or five and then again around 8:30. Then I’m awake for the day, even though I’m exhausted. Not quite sure what to do with myself. Resting is so boring. I try to do little projects here and there, but they get exhausting quickly.

It’s hard to get excited about anything right now. I’m depressed, about personal shit, and the state of the world.

1 in 3

I don’t think I’m a good source for early stage breast cancer patients anymore. I just can’t get past the whole “I did everything right and none of that mattered” mindset. Here I sit now with Stage 4 cancer. I’m not saying the treatments didn’t help. It kept me stay in remission for almost 8 years. But still – it lies in wait and gets you when you least expect it. I feel bitter. I feel ripped off.

A new week

In a way, I’m looking forward to losing my hair. It will make getting ready so much easier. The shower, hair, and makeup process is feeling like a lot of work as I get further into chemo. I’m getting my hair shaved off on Saturday afternoon. That will help.

I’m finally feeling a little bit normal today. The side effects aren’t as heinous. I’m worried our family fun day planned for tomorrow at Six Flags is going to need to be postponed. I can’t venture too far from the bathroom nowadays. Getting sick at an amusement park sounds very not fun. I’m trying to think of something else we could do as a family tomorrow instead.

We’re celebrating Freya’s 16th birthday tonight with a fancy dinner out. Hence the hair and makeup bullshit….lol. I want to get a family pic tonight. We should be taking lots of pics at this point.

I need to find some new ways to amuse myself during my lie-ins. More than just TV and books. Maybe I should learn to crochet or some such shit. Seriously though, I need some intellectual stimulation.

More later.

It’s 10 am, and I’m high af

on some really good shit called “Granddaddy Purp.” I got a cartridge of it last night, and it’s the bomb. I’ve decided I can be high whenever I want. It’s helping my nausea.

I’m continuing to have really bad heartburn, despite all the meds I’m taking, and I’m so confused. The reflux is excruciating. I really hate it.

The party last night was really boring, so we left early, but I was pleased I was able to go at all. It was touch and go for a while. It being boring worked to my advantage, as I was able to chill on the couch almost the entire time. I did get up to play some beer pong, though I was boring and didn’t drink. I should have a few pics to post soon.

I’m about to finish this amazing new novel called “From Below” by Darcy Coates. It’s horror, because of course it is, and it’s superb. I don’t want it to end. I’ve read all of Darcy’s stuff, and this is already my new favorite.

Now I’m going to finish this book. And probably nap. I’ve already devoured a cupcake.

xoxo