I want to update about Rupi Kaur, but it will have to wait, because WordPress won’t let me upload pics.

Anyway – I’m having a great time with the bestie.

I’m feeling a bit unwell this morning. I’m hoping that will resolve soon. We still have to drive home.

I have a brief Zoom appointment with my palliative doc at noon. I’m going to be getting more meds added to the mix. My reflux is constant. She says she has a med to help.

My chemo pills are on their way. This is my first real deal chemo since 2012, and I’m scared. I’ve read nothing but bad things about it.

More later.

Tonight I said, “I’m never going on a diet again for the rest of my life.” Said it and meant it. It felt good.

The increased dose of Oxy is helping a lot. I ate mostly normally at dinner tonight. I was feeling good enough to dance around the kitchen, and to go on an after dinner walk.

I did some journaling this afternoon after being inspired by some stuff I read in “The Beginner’s Guide To The End,” and I think I’ll share some of it when I get a chance. Right now I’m still doing some reflecting. I can’t speak highly enough about this book tho.

I’m in trip planning mode. Trying to figure out the details for a family vacation this summer. Oh and here’s a biggie: D and I are going to see DMB at The Gorge (over Labor Day weekend). This is a bucket list dream of mine, and I am so pumped!! OMG. I’m also planning a weekend trip with each of my kids for sometime this fall. Jackson isn’t sure what he wants to do yet, but Frey and I are going to Chicago. I’m so excited for this time with them, and I hope they remember it dearly forever. ♥️

Tonight was good. I hope my family realizes just how happy they make me, and how much I love them. I’m just going to keep telling them and showing them for as long as I can.

I’ve been hesitant to rely on narcotics for pain management, but it seems it’s time to move past that and dig in. I had a brief chat with my palliative doc, and she told me to start taking 10 mg of Oxy every four hours. So that’s what I’m gonna do. I’m going to enjoy the pain relief and not worry about the long term effects, because what does that even matter at this point?

Yesterday was a tough one.

D is sad. So very sad. I hate that I’m the cause of it. I hate that I can’t fix it.

I’m being super careful today. I took Jackson to Dunkin today for break. I got a blueberry cake donut (my fave) and ate it slowly over the course of two+ hours. It’s sitting okay. Just a bit of nausea. And the normal stomach churning, of course. It sounds like a storm is happening in there.

I’ve been having bladder issues, which I had attributed to the long time lack of estrogen, but seem now to be at least partly caused by cancer, so now I’m seeing an urologist on June 1. So that’s fun. Sure – let’s add another doctor into the mix.

It seems that the biggest concerns now are possible bowel obstruction and kidney issues. Sigh.

Whatever…moving on to other topics now:

• Our cruise details are up to date now. I finally got my passport so we’re all set. We will have our air travel arrangements by July 29. On Aug 18, we can start setting up excursions, and restaurant reservations. The countdown says we’re 163 days away. I’M SO EXCITED!!
• I have gotten some stuff done this morning (paying bills, setting stuff up) which helps me feel productive. I’ll be running some errands later. Getting this shit done helps me feel lighter. The littlest things are stressing me out right now. I feel like I’m already carrying so much, ya know?
• This really hot af lady that I’ve been crushing on friend requested me and messaged me over on FB. She asked our mutual friend to put in a good word since we’re both signed up to go to the same party Saturday night. I’m like omg omg omg why are all my crushes suddenly paying attention to me?? I want to make out with all of these lovely, soft curvy people. 🥰
• I mean…I’m not dead yet, right??
• It might seem depressing, but “The Beginner’s Guide To The End” is actually super helpful and soothing. I’m so glad I bought it.
• I’m excited to spend time with the kids tonight. Last night was a bust because I felt awful.
• Oh and tomorrow Annie and I are going to KC to see Rupi Kaur. SQUEEEEEEEEEEE.

More later. xoxo

This person I think is very cool, fab, and interesting, reached out to me this morning to let me know they would like to get to know me better. And I’m so excited because I would love to be friends with them (and make out – lol). It was so cute too, because they were like, “I’m nervous sending this message because I think you are so cool and gorgeous,” and I’m like squee-ing because I’m like “NO YOU ARE.” So yay for that.

Also – I didn’t feel sick after dinner last night. I was careful about my portions. I had part of a pastry this morning, and so far it is sitting okay. I think (hopefully, maybe) that I am starting to get the hang of how to eat given my limitations, and that I can hopefully avoid some of the worse symptoms. Though I still need to talk to Dr. B about food restrictions on Xeloda. It is my understanding that I cannot eat foods high in folate, which is going to be a total drag, but I don’t want to get into that right now. This is a feel good post, god dammit.

D is coming with me to my appointment, so I get to spend some extra time with him. We get our kiddos back tonight (yay). I want all the hugs. I’m feeling okay so far today, and hopefully that will last so I can do a bike ride and a walk. I am having to work on my endurance for cycling. I can do about 20 min around the neighborhood before I need a break. Our neighborhood isn’t super flat it turns out, so I’m def getting in a workout. My heart rate increases (more than I’d like) and my legs burn.

Okay that’s all for now.

All these years I’ve avoided the sun shining on my face. I’ve deprived myself of that pleasure in an attempt to keep myself looking youthful; in an attempt to avoid my freckles popping or my melasma getting darker. All this vanity, and for what exactly? Today, I decided to let the sun shine on my face, and I have zero regrets. If not now, when?

I’m not doing well today. I’m feeling yucky and I’m in pain. I’m trying to figure out how I function with these new GI issues. Eating has become problematic. Half the time I have to force myself because my appetite isn’t what it used to be. Then I get sick afterward, so I dread eating altogether. I spend way too much time in the bathroom either being sick or trying not to be sick. It’s a literal shit show. And then there’s the reflux…

I see Dr. B tomorrow afternoon. Not quite sure what that will entail, besides her getting me up to speed on Xeloda. I’ve been reading about it, and it sounds awful. Pretty sure my nails are going to fall off, so that’s fun. I’ll get to keep my hair for the time being.

I’m trying to keep my emotions in check. I’ve had to start leaning on my Ativan again. Weed helps too, but I think I’m also going to order some CBD seltzers. Those are super relaxing.

Not really sure how I feel about working anymore. I’m covering for my boss’s paternity leave the next few weeks, but I may bail after that. I mean…what’s the point anymore?

This entire thing feels so surreal. How is this my life? I sit here and think that I can actually feel the cancer growing. Every pain or stomach cramp/gurgle reminds me just how very fucked I am.