This is the part of the morning where I start negotiating with myself: what if you sleep ten more minutes but don’t wash your hair?

The ten minutes won.

The good news is that I’ve slept unusually well these past three nights. The bad news is that it still hasn’t been enough to make me feel truly rested.

paint the black hole blacker

I can’t get the lyrics to The Strangers by St. Vincent out of my head.

Lover, I don’t play to win but for the thrill until I’m spent.

Such a good song.

My husband still doesn’t have his car back and it’s super frustrating to only have my car to get us all where we need to go. We returned the rental on Monday because we were supposed to be able to get the car by now. Grr.

Related news: I feel like I live in my car.

Totes rando, I know, but I love caves, like loooooove caves, and I want to plan a trip to a new one. I’ve never been to Fantastic Caverns, and I think I need to plan an overnight trip with the family.

The best cave I’ve ever been to was Carlsbad Caverns. I’d love to go back someday.

New topic: Frey is officially a Sunny fan. She has a favorite episode and everything, though I do believe a big part of it is that she wants us to have this in common. It’s sweet. She asks me every time we’re together if we can watch it together, and then she asks a billion questions.

We’re rapidly approaching anniversary weekend! We have some good stuff planned.

❤️💜💙❤️

Pack 803

It was STEM night at cub scouts. It was a great way to start this scouting adventure. Jackson had a fabulous time and is now begging me for these:

Lucky for him, he has a birthday coming up in just one month.

Oh and I’m already being asked to be a scout leader. On my first night. Yikes. I’m not sure what about me suggests I’d be a good cub scout leader.

blogger problems

I’m having a hard time with the blog right now. I don’t know what to post here anymore. I write freely but end up saving it to drafts. I’m feeling this weird need to censor myself, and if I have to censor myself, then why bother? It’s all self-imposed, of course. I go down the “who may be reading this blog” rabbit hole, and if I stay there too long then I don’t want to post about anything real here. Ever. This is where we are now. I’m not sure what to do about it.

I do know one thing for sure: I will not start over somewhere else. Over the last six years, I have started several different blogs attempting to stay somewhat anonymous, and by that I mean trying to keep exes and various family members from following along. Why do I even care? I’m not sure. On the one hand, I guess it’s because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings and/or make a bad situation worse. On the other hand, I want to say what I want to say, and if you read it knowing it may suck for you then that is on you and not me. All I know is that starting over never works. I always let my guard down and then one of them finds me. And this cycle starts all over again.

Well enough is enough. So I will continue to consider what to do with this blog moving forward. I still find joy from the act of blogging itself. I enjoy having this digital scrapbook of my life. I enjoy sharing and interacting with the few devoted readers who have been following me for years. I could go back to paper journaling obviously, but given the state of my arthritis recently, I don’t think that is a great plan. Handwriting is hard for me nowadays.

I’m hoping I’ll find my zero fucks attitude down here somewhere. It’s buried beneath my adult voice. Maybe I’ll start by posting some of those drafts…

But maybe not.