People ask me how I am, but how can I answer that question honestly?

It’s such a complicated question.

A few words come to mind:

Contemplative, quiet, melancholy, weary.

But those are just imperfect words that fail to adequately describe an impossible situation.

I feel like I have to be guarded with how I spend my time. I only want to give it to certain people, and it’s not a long list.

I’m having a hard time responding to people – even my best friends. I don’t want to talk about this shit, but what else is there even to talk about? Pandemic life is boring af. I feel like I’m sitting here watching my life go down the drain. All our plans on hold, and maybe we won’t ever get to realize them now thanks to the pandemic.

Oh and let’s not forget the anger. So much anger. Always there, ready to boil over. I was diagnosed with terminal cancer, which was a huge blow. Only to then have even more dreams and plans dashed by a fucking pandemic. For fuck’s sake. I can either sit around and cry or I can use my anger to fuel me. I choose the latter.

Here’s why it’s impossible to adequately convey how I feel, because despite everything I’ve shared previously, I’m not unhappy. I laugh every day. I have fun with my husband. I enjoy being alive and spending time doing the stuff I love. Mostly I’m just quietly sad, resigned, physically and emotionally exhausted, but still seeing the beauty in everyday. I feel joy every day; maybe more than ever. I now take more time to appreciate a purring cat, how it feels when my dog kisses my hand, a long hug from my son, or the slow breathing of my sleeping husband and the way his skin smells. These things feel more important than ever, and I’m lucky to fully appreciate their wonder.

I’m still working on improving myself and on various mini goals. But I’m also giving myself space to be my imperfect self with less judgment. I’m trying to allow myself to really feel my feelings – whatever they happen to be at the moment – and wow do they change constantly. It’s mood swing central over here.

Does that make sense? Probably not.

I don’t really think you can understand unless you are dying too. That’s the brutal truth.

But thank you for asking. Even when I’m quiet, your support is seen, felt, and appreciated. ❤️

I’m ready to talk about it

I have a lump in my cancer boob.

My doc was like: well it could be a cyst or a tumor. We’ve gotta cut it out regardless.

So that’s happening at some point soon. I have to talk to my plastic surgeon next week.

We discussed my exchange surgery that is scheduled for September. He said we have to wait and see where we are at that point. I think I’ve decided to just cancel it. I am pretty sure I only have two to three years left, and I don’t want to waste any of my time recovering from unnecessary surgery. D and I are happy with the current tits. I won’t be alive long enough for these recalled ones to kill me – so why bother?

My tumor markers are way up. He told me today that this result would be the determining factor in whether I continue this treatment. Those results come in last, so I didn’t get them until several hours after the appointment. I emailed him and just said, “Where do we go from here?” I imagine I’ll be getting a phone call on Monday.

It’s weird – I’m not that upset. I’ve accepted it. My fate is to die from breast cancer. I’m mostly worried about my husband. He’s a heartbroken mess.

I’m not completely satisfied with the care I’m receiving. I’m going to make some calls on Monday. I want a second opinion. I know this will kill me, but I want as much time as I can get. My oncologist is a nice guy, but today was kind of a hot mess. I worry he has too many patients to really treat me properly.

I’m a bougie bitch – I can afford better care than this. I’m thankful for that; believe me.

I’m going to cash out my 401k. We’ve (D and I) debated this a lot, and he’s been telling me to wait, but tonight, in tears, he said: I think you should go ahead and cash it out.

I want to finish the basement. And take the kids to Hawaii. And buy whatever random shit that makes me happy.

I’m starting to think about what to do with the firm. I’m not ready to throw in the towel yet, but if I can’t find a treatment that keeps me stable by the end of the year, I’m going to give up my practice.

And that’s where we are.

It’s…hard. Really, really hard.

Thank you for reading.

Even if I don’t know you, I love you for caring.

xoxo

I can be catty too, bitch

So this chick who is friends with D’s ex is in the same Keto group I’m in on Facebook. I’ve spoken to her before, and recognized who she was when she started posting (kind of a lot) in the group. I said hi, and offered support, and the bitch fucking blocked me. I feel like I’m in high school. You blocked me because I’m married to your friend’s ex? Seriously? You can’t act like an adult? What does it even have to do with you? This shit happened 8 fucking years ago. What a dumb cunt.

The funny thing is that I have heard (from Freya) about all the shit her mom talks about this lady – so it’s kind of humorous that she blocked me out of some allegiance to K.

Okay I’m over it now. I just wanted to talk shit about her. Lol.

I’m having a bad day.

My cancer center visit was a total shit show, for reasons I don’t want to get into right now.

It doesn’t appear that my treatment is working.

I’m waiting to find out where we go from here.

I just took two, yes two, Xanax, and I may have to tell Keto to kiss my ass and eat all the carbs tonight. After all, I might be dead in a couple of years, so what does it matter?

hi, and high

I always smell good. It’s my thing. Right now I’m wearing Michael Kors Sensual Amber.

We walked tonight, and it is ridiculously humid. I hate it so much.

We’re watching Bar Rescue currently. It’s our guilty pleasure. This is the Rockin Rhonda’s episode. Rhonda is annoying af.

WELCOME TO FAILURE!

I love my Bizzy Boo, but he follows me around allllllllll day, and I need a fucking break.

I miss Bruno. (The bear).

Makes me want to go back to Gatlinburg. So many bears. ❤️

I researched some really awesome MO hiking trails that I’m excited to check out. But not now. It’s hotter than Satan’s taint. I’m talking about autumn hikes. Autumn is my happy place.

More weed, less beer. Weed is carb free. Lol.

Long story, but I ended up doing the Sally Up squats twice today. I’m feeling it!

I don’t want to go do cancer shit tomorrow. *sighhhhhhhh*

But I’m not going to lie: I’m pumped to be off tomorrow. I’m tired. In every way possible.

Happy Friday Eve. Happy almost weekend. Good vibes only.