happy 4/20

Not feeling super great today, but still better than I expected, so I feel like I shouldn’t complain.

It’s fucking snowing right now. It was 70 degrees yesterday. Missouri weather, man.

I have some projects I’ve been working on, and a rather extensive to-do list for chores/errands, but I’m not sure much is going to get done today. I’m just not feeling it, dog. I am on a court call right now, and I’m thinking it might be nap time after. I think I mentioned before that I’m getting better about being kind to myself, and lowering my expectations. I do have terminal cancer, after all.

On the way to school this morning, Jackson was chatting excitedly about our upcoming vacation. He is so very excited, and that makes me so very happy. All I really care about at this point is making memories with my husband and kids. That’s the most important thing.

Oh exciting news alert: I have a first date with MVS next Tuesday. It’s finally happening! Yay vaccines!

I think I’m going to quit one of the LS groups I belong to on Facebook. It tends to trigger me a bit on a regular day, because of all the sexy ladies I feel like I can’t keep up with, and then guys I like/date drooling over them, but then yesterday some dickwad posted something about how he’d rather die than lose his balls/penis to cancer – comparing it with women who have mastectomies and hysterectomies, and honestly I just cannot even with that bullshit. I was more restrained in my comment than I should have been. Then M and A jumped in and went off on the dude. He deleted the post. But…UGH. I already have enough body image issues, and then shit like that gets posted? I can’t deal with it. So I think I’m outtie. I don’t need this bullshit in my life.

That paragraph/explanation is not super clear, but whatever. I know what I mean.

It’s 4/20 – a stoner holiday – lol. So tonight I’m going to get high and eat all the tacos. With the fucking shell. No taco salad bullshit. I’m a bit off the rails right now with my diet, but I just can’t bring myself to care. Maybe tomorrow? Maybe never.

It’s all just stuff and nonsense. Gotta concentrate on the shit that matters.

Peace out, peeps.

And somehow it’s Monday again.

I’ve felt anxious all day, and I don’t know why. I’ve been trying to keep busy. I started a purge project. I’m getting rid of all the things. Spring cleaning, I guess.

It feels weird only working part-time. I like it, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m doing something wrong.

I don’t know how to relax.

I did something today that I’ve been putting off for months, and which has been causing me great anxiety. It took 10 minutes. Seriously.

The kids are back at home. We are grilling tonight. Then D and I are assembling a cabinet for the garage that has a lock on it so that we can lock away all the sharp objects when Frey is home. I also have a lock box for my meds. This is what it has come to.

Tequila awaits.



– I am high on a gummy and it’s a delight.

– The Conjuring, in particular, and horror generally, is my go-to source of comfort. Current status: on the couch, high af, watching TC on Netflix. Up next: The Conjuring 2. Lol.

Zofran is my new best friend.

I’m getting better at allowing myself to just be, and not beating myself up for not living up to my ridiculous expectations for myself.

Like my weight, for example: I’ve gained some back since stopping keto, but I’m not obsessing (too much – ha). I’m being gentle with myself for the first time maybe ever.

Let’s talk side effects so far: fatigue, dry mouth, loss of appetite, nausea, and headache.

I’m going to try to get back to my normal routine tomorrow. I think some normalcy would do me good.

Oh and here is a pic of me from yesterday, just because I like it.

Hello from the couch

It’s Saturday – my favorite day of the week! Tonight, the husband and I are staying at The Ritz Carlton just because, and having a fancy dinner at 801 Chop House. I’m quite excited.

I’m feeling better than I expected. Let me be clear: I don’t feel good. I just don’t feel as bad as I was expecting. Of course, I think it’s possible that I’ll feel a little worse every day as the drugs build up in my system. So far I’ve experienced nausea, headache, and fatigue. A little blurred vision. Some confusion and memory loss. This med is known for causing brutal diarrhea. So much so that my medical team sent me home with four boxes of Immodium. However, I’ve been spared that side effect so far. I hope I’m not jinxing myself. 😳

In the next few weeks, it is possible I may get the dreaded body rash, and experience some significant hair loss. I’d honestly rather have the hair loss than the rash. I’ve emotionally prepared myself for the wig life. It’s inevitable that at some point I’m going to lose all my hair again, so I’m fine with it happening now. It is what it is. In some ways, it actually makes life easier. But the rash?? No thanks, bro.

I look cute in wigs anyway. Wigs are fun.

I kind of don’t know how to proceed in certain aspects of my life at this point. The question I keep asking myself is: what do you want? And I don’t know exactly. I know I want to spend as much quality time as I can with the people I care about the most. But who makes the cut? And what do I do when I’m on my own? What is important to me now? What fulfills me?

I’m worried people are starting to see me as just a person with terminal cancer now. I feel diminished by it. Like my shine has dulled. I hate it.

I’m going to go enjoy a few hours of free time before I need to start getting ready for our night out. I hope the weekend treats you well.