so much mediocrity

The upside to taking all this tramadol is that it acts as an appetite suppressant. Oh and I have zero desire to drink. There are many more downsides, however. Like the itching. And the brain fog. Or how it makes me very sleepy yet causes insomnia. Oh and the mood swings.

I have a feeling tomorrow is going to be a rough day.

In fact, I’m not super enthused about several things happening this week, like my husband leaving for work travel or all the court…especially Wednesday night. I have to plead out a DUI and that’s always a fucking production.

I was reading up on the new medication I was prescribed, and apparently it is being researched as a potential weight loss drug. I’m about it.

I have four months until our beach trip and I need to get swimsuit ready. Every time I make some progress with my workouts, I flare up. Fingers crossed that Xeljanz helps with all that.

My ex-husband believes he has found his bio mom due to a DNA connection (to her sister) via 23 and Me. It’s so weird and interesting and awesome and complicated. He’s like the third person I know who has had a life changing experience after using this service.

I’m way overwhelmed by various work things.

I’m behind on my photo challenges, but I don’t really care, and I doubt I’ll bother to play catch up. I’ll just pick it back up tomorrow. Unless inspiration strikes.

Not gonna lie: I’m looking forward to a kid free night tomorrow night (and this weekend).

I have two (maybe even three) gift cards for massages and I need to put them to use. I’m holding so much tension in my upper body. I’m thinking about doing a massage and mani/pedi. That sounds lovely.

I also have a Pottery Barn gift card, as well as one to a chocolate bar. And a Target Visa card. Lots of gift cards over here. I should use the target card on candles. I’ve burned all of mine down to nothing. Oh and I want new placemats, napkins, and napkin rings.

It seems I could keep babbling on endlessly tonight, but 1) it’s boring and pointless, and 2) I need to get back to this crazy ass book I’m reading, and 3) I have a couch date with my husband in a bit.


3:10 pm

And I might be ready to finally get some stuff done. Even if it’s only housework. My brain is still too foggy to do any legal work. Tramadol and exhaustion…bad combo.

My goals for the evening: a bit of laundry and a trip to the grocery store. Oh and making dinner, obviously.

Oh and I guess I do need to do some docket prep for tomorrow morning. Luckily, that’s going to be quite simple.

I’m looking forward to having less of these awful flare ups. Not only do I feel bad physically, but also emotionally. I just feel like such a fucking waste on these days. I hate this feeling of helplessness. And also the awful moodiness that rises up. It’s hard to be in a good mood when you feel this way. I try to fake it til I make it, but I’m not always successful. As a result, I’ve hidden in my room most of the day.

Time to emerge. Wish me luck!


This was a good read, but it could have been so much more. The plot is quite compelling, but it lacks character development. I didn’t feel invested in the outcome as a result — I simply wasn’t particularly connected to any of the characters. If I have to throw down with a character driven or plot driven novel, I’ll choose a well formed character every time.

Also, this isn’t the sort of book that gives you a neatly tied up ending. It leaves so much open to interpretation, which I actually preferred here, because life is not usually black and white, especially this sort of pandemic situation.

Ultimately, I recommend it.


My doc took one look at my severely swollen knees and was like yeah that’s gotta go. So we’re adding a new med into the mix, a biological, which are the only types that have ever worked for my condition in the past. It’s a pill instead of an injection, so that’s cool. I have to wait for my labs to come in okay and then she’ll call it in, but it has to go through the mail pharmacy (because it’s crazy expensive) so it will be a few days before I get it. Probably best to start it over the weekend anyway.

It felt good to hear her say that now that I’m six years out from breast cancer, the biological drugs are finally available to me again. This gives me hope that I’ll eventually get to feeling like myself again. If this particular medicine doesn’t work, then one will. I could always go back to Enbrel. A weekly shot in the thigh is nothing compared to the pain I’ve been living with.

The downsides: higher risk of infection, including shingles, and the ever present lymphoma risk. Sigh. BUT…what’s the point of living a long life where I feel like this all the time? I feel damn near disabled on days like today. I want quality over quantity. It’s worth the risk.

I’m all out of spoons

Both of my knees are so swollen that I can barely walk. My hands and wrists hurt, and my ring finger is too swollen to wear my wedding ring. If the doc doesn’t help me this morning, I’m going to cry.

My appointment is in an hour. *fingers crossed*

My original plan was to come home after the appointment and work, because I’m swamped. That plan may need to be revised considering how awful I feel. It may be a back to bed, napping, reading, and Netflix kind of day.

Mrs. Rieken

This made me lol today. Even fucking attorneys can’t spell my last name properly, despite it being spelled out for them in the signature block of the email to which they’re replying. Like…wtf pay attention! Oh and this one bitch I particularly hate actually spelled it incorrectly in a pleading, and got pissy when I made her fix it. JFC, get your fucking shit together, people.

It happens constantly.

Oh and it’s pronounced Reek-en but everyone says Rike-en. Even after I say it first. 🤯🤬

It’s a silly little thing, but I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t grate on my nerves.